THE DAY AFTER THE HANGOVER

WE PARTY AGAIN

DEVASTATION

I have no words today. All i have is this.

5 Reasons to be Pessimistic

1) After watching these Phillies pull out an unlikely, dodger-esque, comeback with 2 outs, it's safe to say that they've got the playoff mojo.

2) Andre Ethier vs Lefties. Andre is gonna get a heavy dose of left handed pitching with Cliff Lee and Hamels going in games 1 and 2. On the season, Ethier batted .194 with 6 home runs and 25 RBIs in 165 at bats against Lefties. Dre was one of the catalysts against the Cards, batting .500 (6-for-12) and hitting 2 boombas. If the Philly lefties can bring him back to earth, the Dogs could be in trouble. 

3) The National League has had four NLCS rematches in its history, and only once has the team that lost the first time, won the second time around. Details can be found here. 

4) Cole Hamels loves pitching in LA. We all know about the playoffs last year, but in his only start in LA during the regular season, the girly man pitched a complete game shut out, striking out 5 and not walking a single batter. The San Diego native has a career ERA of 1.13 at Dodger Stadium, and has held the Dogs to an abysmal .182 average at the Ravine. 

5) Chase Utley also loves playing in LA. In 21 games, the former UCLA standout has hit .354 with 5 bombs, 15 RBIs, and 19 runs at the Chavez Ravine. 

5 Reasons to be Optimistic

Just saw an interesting poll on ESPN where 30% of people WANTED to see the Angels win the world series (Yankees 27%, Dogs 25%, and Phillies 18%). I, for one, didn't realize anyone likes the Angels. Maybe this is the result of a bitter Red Sox nation, or maybe people want to see them do it for Adenhart. Either way, I was caught off guard a little by that stat. 

Also, 57% of Californians are more interested in the Yankees/Angels series than the Dogs/Phils...hmmmmm

As for the our upcoming Showdown, here are a 5 things that make me confident we can win this:

1) We only have to beat EITHER Hamels or Lee once. If we can sweep the back of their rotation-- a totally feasible scenario--we'd only have to win one other game. I'm assuming that both Lee and Hamels will pitch two games in the series.

2) We're not gonna get bullied around this year. Last year when things got chippy the Dogs stuck their tails between their legs. This year we have much more pitching depth, the toughest catcher in the majors, crazy Padilla, and a swagger we didn't have last year. 

3) James Loney and Jim Thome. Loney absolutely owned the Phils this year, hitting .393 with 2 bombs, 11 hits, and 17 total bases in 7 games. Add a potent JL to a lineup that is already gelling, and I smell upset. Also, I'm still convinced Thome's going to come up big at some point in the playoffs. 

4) George Sherrill and Hong Chih-Kuo. The best set up-man and situational left-hander in the majors. Kuo's career numbers against the Phillies: 8.1 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 3 BB. 

5) Wolf/Kershaw in games one and two. The Phillies have scored half as many runs- and batted 30 points lower- against lefties. The crowd is gonna be amped up, Hamels just had a baby, and Cliff Lee is a nerd. If we can beat one of their two big guns in LA we're going to be in great shape. If we beat both, the series is over. 

5b) You know Bud Selig wants a Dodgers vs. Yankees World Series. Maybe we get a few calls?

5c) Hiroki Kuroda is back in the mix. Dude is typically lights out against the Phillies. Career stats: 3 G, 19 innings, 17 Ks, 5BB, 0.95 ERA

5d) Vin Scully

5f) Lidge vs Manny in the ninth. Lidge poops his pants, and Manny hits a bomb. 

Bums vs. Phils: Tale of The Tape

Ok my wondrous bunch of Dodger enthusiasts, let's embark on our journey toward the Bronx to face the mighty (over-paid and flaccid) Yankees.

Next Stop: PHILLY!

Let's break this one down, position-by-position, including several intangibles, and see who has the advantage in this series (or at least as I see it).

CATCHER: Russ J. C. R. T. Q. Martin vs. Carlos Ruiz.

Winner: MARTIN – This one is a no-brainer. While Ruiz is an excellent catcher with an above-average arm and the ability to get on base, Russ is simply the best game-manager in MLB. Even the great Greg Maddux declared his unflinching love for the kid. Russ has taken a young, sporadic, inexperienced staff (Wolf has one career playoff start), and led them to the lowest team-ERA in the league. Russ is incredible defensively, a leader in the clubhouse, and is still REALLLLLYYYYYY due for massive hit.

1B: James Loney vs. Ryan Howard

Winner: HOWARD – Loney is a gold-glover with a nice consistent bat but this one was easy as well. Howard is a premier game-changer, with unmatched power. Howard is always a threat and has the strength to hit the ball out of the park in any direction.

2B: O-Dog/Ronnie vs. Utley

Winner: UTLEY – As much as I despise this guido, slick-rick d-bag, utley is perhaps the league's best 2Bman. The dude can straight rake and has a dependable glove as well. As for Dodgers, our all-star 2Bman, the O-dog, is now benched, so, yeah, this one goes to Philly as well.

3B: Lumberjack vs. Feliz

Winner: CASEY AT BAT – The Lumberjack gets the nod here by a long-shot. Casey is the silent assassin, the bums’ clubhouse leader, and a calm presence on the field and at the plate. His smooth walk in Game 2 of the NLDS kept the game-winning rally alive and his glove work on the field has been rock-solid. Feliz is an ex-giant with a vulva the size of an apple. The Beard takes the cake here easily.

SS: Raffy vs. Rollins

Winner: RAFFY – I know what you’re thinking…. Wow! No Way! Well, YES WAY!! I take Raffy here simply based on current form. While Jimmy was the MLB MVP just a few seasons ago, his ability to get on base has regressed quicker than the popularity of Creed. Meanwhile, Raffy is playing out of his mind, literally getting on base 2-3 times/game. He has been the catalyst for this team since September 1 and matched with his arm, his switch-hitting ability, his potbelly, the fact that he is my favorite player, and Rollins’ season-long slump, I give the slight edge to the Dodgers here (am I just bitter that I had Rollins in fantasy baseball and he stunk, maybe, but I digress)

RF: Andre the TacoMan vs. JaYson Werth

Winner: WERTH – This is the tightest race and the closest matchup (and perhaps the most critical matchup) in the series. Both players had breakout seasons, with JaYson (what’s with the Y werth) making an all-star appearance. Both players bat early in the lineup and have had some very clutch hits throughout the season. Both have been hot recently as well. I gave Werth the nod because he is a much bigger threat on the basepath, with 20+ SBs this season, and has a slight edge in the field (great range and a devastating arm to gun out baserunners). While Werth has the edge here, i believe that the outcome of the series might hinge on whichever of these two young-guns makes more big plays (both at the plate and in the field)

CF: The Bison vs. Victorino

Winner: KEMP – this one was easy. Victorino is a solid ballplayer and the type of guy that all great teams need and have, but when push comes to shove, nobody has more raw talent in this league than matt kemp. I mean that. He needs to channel it, but the kid is basically still a basketball player and is already turning heads in this baseball league. He is Griffey-esque in CF with speed and power at the plate. Now he needs to hang with Manny and watch some film and get out of his 98-strikeout-in-a-row slump and show up and batter the phils in the NLCS.

LF: Manny Being Manny vs. Raul (I took just as much roids as Manny) Ibanez

Winner: MANNY – Really? I need to explain this one? A very nice season for Raul (although he stunk 2nd-half, like Manny) but this is a joke of a matchup. Manny is heating up and look for the big guy to play a key role for the Bums in this NLCS.

BENCH: Dodgers or Philles

Winner: DODGERS – The Bums are sporting what might be the most complete bench in playoff history. Hall-of-fame slugger Thome is always a threat and rocked the ill ski googles during the champagne celebration, Juan-For-Four has been excellent and is our speed man, Loretta is the NLDS magic-maker, Ausmus is the veteran presence, the O-dog is a an all-star and gold glover for defense, and Castro is serviceable and talks to Manny. As for the Phils, Bako? Stairs (ugh the HR last yr)? Francisco? Cairo? Bruntlett? Ok, you get the point… Bums all the way here.

BULLPEN (non-closers): Bums vs. Phillies

Winner: DODGERS, easy. MLB’s-best ERA matched with an epic performance in round 1 vs the Cardinals. Between my father’s crush Belisario, Kuo, Troncoso, Mota (celebration MVP), and Sherrill the Postman, there might not be a deeper set-up arsenal in the league. Match that with Garland, DREAM WEAVER (came up HUGE vs the redbirds), perhaps Kuroda/Bills as long-men if we need them, this category is all bums by a longshot. Phils have some nice arms in Park (remember him!), Eyre, Madsen, Romero, Myers, and Happ, but the Bums are in a different class here.

CLOSER: Brox the Ox vs. Brad (Pujols Dinger still flyin’) Lidge

Winner: BROXTON – not even close again. Yes, Lidge was absolutely lights out… LAST YEAR! Yes, Lidge did not blow a single save… LAST YEAR! This year, Lidge has been an absolute nightmare. He led the league in blown-saves, lost his job on several occasions, had very few games where he threw a clean inning, and basically had his confidence shattered time and time again. Meanwhile, Brox has been the ox that we say he is. If the only question mark here was inexperience, then Brox answered those calls with his massive outings against Fat Albert and Co. in the NLDS.

STARTING ROTATION: Wolfman / Kershawshank Redemption / Vincente the Axeman / Bills(?) vs. Lee / Hamels / Pedro / Blanton

Winner: PHILLIES – I waffled on this one for a bit, but I will explain myself. To begin, I love the Bums’ staff right now. The Phils are a lefty-loaded team and the dodgers will throw 2 lefties in wolf and kersh at them right out of the gate. I believe in wolf, especially after watching his postgame interview in STL, and I anticipate a solid start out of him. We all know that I have a massive man-crush on Kershaw and I still truly believe his left arm is the answer to world peace. This kid is electric and his facial hair is unexplainably patchy. Padilla was the Bums’ NLDS MVP, with a career-best outing, deservingly earning an NLCS start. I also believe Bills, if called upon, will step up to the rubber and dish (even though the Phils battered him last year). Another person to keep an eye on is Kuroda, whose sushi-therapy is going well and might return for the NLCS. But, all that said, I still give the nod to the Phils for two reasons: 1) experience, Hamels was the playoff mvp last year and we all know what pedro of the past has done in the playoffs. More recently, Lee has been untouchable. 2) history, just last season in the NLCS, the bums couldn’t even see the ball vs. hamels, and Blanton pitched very nicely against us as well. I think we have the arms and talent to keep up with the phils, and the bats to smack em around. Blanton kind of stinks, pedro is aging, hamels has not been himself, and lee must be tiring a bit after his long outings vs the rockies, but until the game is played, I give the slight edge to the phils

MANAGER: Torre vs. Manuel

Winner: TORRE – Ha. I watch A LOT of baseball… a lot of sports for that matter, and I have NEVER, I repeat NEVER (short of Coach James Bond in my Pee Wee A State Championship hockey game, leaving Reid and I out on the ice for the last 6 minutes of the game in our heroic victory) seen a Coaching Clinic quite like the one Torre put on in the NLDS. And remember, his opponent was hall-of-famer Tony (Mr. DUI) La Russa. Torre had all the right hunches, made all the right calls, and simply led the Bums straight through a scary bunch of cardinals. An epic display of baseball wisdom by Ole Torre. Philly’s Manuel is a wonderful manager and a winner as well, more recently than Joe, but who would you rather have than Torre guiding your team in October? Exactly.

HOMEFIELD: Chavez Ravine vs. Stinkadelphia

Winner: LOS ANGELES – Last year, the Dodgers went down a few games in Philly and this series was all but over. However, hard work and 95 wins puts the Bums at home with Grandpa Vin this year to start the series, and this is a notable and obvious advantage for the Dodgers.

INTANGIBLES: Dodgers vs. Phillies

Winner: DODGERS – Now this is a category that I would be remiss to pass over. Let’s think about what’s going on right now with the Bums, shall we, and breakdown why the Dodgers simply have the MOJO WORKIN: 1) Grandpa Vin announces this year that he is retiring after one more season (DO IT FOR VIN!); 2) even though the Bums won an NL-leading 95 games, we are underdogs repeatedly, and everyone loves to play as an underdog; 3) things that just don’t happen to dodgers are happening, like Ethier leading the league in walk-off hits, Loretta stepping up to ice the game after Holliday took it in the junk, Torre making correct, game-changing decisions (instead of Tracy’s and Grady Little’s awful shenanigans as dodger skippers), and players not blowing up and striking out after bad calls, but fighting through at-bats to get on base; 4) FUN! We are simply having fun! Did you see the videos of the celebration? These dudes LOVE one another, they love being Dodgers, and they play for the fans. They know that there is a lot of work to be done, trust me, torre and Lasorda will not let them forget that, but these dodgers have the “IT-FACTOR” that winning teams display; 5) Larry Bowa. C’mon, the most intense dude on the planet. As my little bro calls it, “FIRE IN THE EYES!” If he has to, I feel like Bowa would take an extra-inning at-bat, this guy is hungry, and so are the Dodgers. MOJO to the Bums!

So let’s tally up:

DODGERS: 11

Phillies: 4

Looks like the Tale of The Tape has spoken. Dodgers it is.

LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bums in 6.

VICENTE, WHO ARE YOU

Vicente Padilla hails from Chinandega, Nicaragua.

The region around Chinandega produces mostly agricultural products, particularly oils, flour, peanuts, shrimp, sugarcane, with sugar mills in Chichigalpa and El Viejo - wikipedia

he was the closer for the bronze medal-winning Nicaraguan national team during the 1998 baseball world cup.

On July 22, 2009, Padilla tested positive for Swine Flu, and was believed to be the first major U.S. athlete to catch the disease - wikipedia

he made the all star team in 2002. this is Vicente's tenth season in the majors. career record of 98-85. career ERA 4.33.

all of this is irrelevant. except the part about swine flu.

10 Observations from Game 1

Let me begin by saying YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WE CAN!!!!!!! HUGE WIN!!! Real deal baby. 

1) Any questions about Joe Torre's ability to handle a pitching staff/bullpen in the playoffs are just silly. Torre is omniscient, and he's a baseball God. 

2) Russell Martin's knack for making the right pitch selection is grossly underrated. I'm thinking specifically about the Glaus, Pujols and Holliday at bats.  He is a huge reason our pitching has had so much success this year. Kudos to Colleti for not trading him during the Halladay hoopla. 

3) Troy Glaus' swing, which was once the prettiest of any right hander in the bigs,  is not what it used to be. If they weren't playing the Dodgers this would make me sad. 

4) I wonder if basketball players would spit as much as baseball players if they played outdoors. 

5) Those Schwab commercials are not, and never were, cool. 

6) Busch Light is  the worst beer in the world. 

7) Casey Blake and Raffy Furcal= keys to Dodger success. They're both going to see good pitches throughout the playoffs. If they're hitting like they did tonight, we're in great shape. 

8) The Cardinals have more barbarosas (red beards) in their bullpen than any team I've ever seen. 

9) Don Mattingly deserves a Managerial job. Here's to hoping he takes the reigns after Torre calls it quits--the Dodgers should hang on to him. 

10) Orlando Hudson is a true professional and I love him. 

10a) What is Molina kissing on his necklace?

10b) Maybe I'm not supposed to say anything good about the Cards, but Brendan Ryan's disgustache is the finest I've ever seen, and I have the upmost respect for him. That is what baseball players should look like. 

OTHER LEGEND

LEGEND

Wahoooooobastank

First, let me begin by touching on a few non-Dodger tidbits.

A) We may have seen Ken Griffey Jr. for the last time and no one is talking about it. He single handedly made baseball relevant in one of baseball's best cities (Seattle), and was the face of the MLB for quite some time. He's the Willy Mays of our generation, and one of baseball's top 20 players ever.

B) Ron Gardenhire is the best manager in the MLB, and the Twins are the most over-looked and under-appreciated franchise in all of sports. Every year Gardenhire takes a different group of no-names and makes them playoff contenders. They lose Johan Santana, no problem. They lose Tori Hunter, no problem. They're probably gonna lose Joe Mauer to the Sox or Yanks, and I'm sure they'll bounce right back. The small market Twins have been overshadowed by the Moneyball A's, but have had just as much, if not more, success than them. I'm not sure who their GM is, but the dude should write a book and de-thrown Billy Beane as baseball guru to the outside world.

C) People have been on the Dodgers for ending the season playing mediocre ball but don't forget the Cards finished the season 2-8 in their final 10 games.

I digress......

With the NLDS looming tomorrow, no one seems to be talking about what I think might decide the series--the benches. I know, I know it seems like an afterthought, and quite frankly it would be if both of these teams didn't have impact players riding the pine. But every year there's a Matt Stairs, Dave Roberts, or Aaron Boone who changes the course of the series and this year it very well might come from the Cardinals or Dodgers.

Statistically, the Dodgers have the best bench in baseball. Juan Pierre is arguably the Dodgers' MVP this year after stepping up and playing out of his dome while Manny was preggers. Could he be what Dave Roberts was to the Red Sox in 2004? Perchance. We also have future Hall of Famer and playoff seasoned Jim Thome. He has 17 career post season home runs, but a .227 playoff average. Could he be our Matt Stairs? Why not. Lastly we have former Gold Glovers and current Jews Doug Mientkievicz and Brad Ausmus who both could see the field in the late innings.

The Cards will have either Rick Ankiel or Colby Rasmus (whomever doesn't start), Troy Glaus, and former Dodger greats Julio 'How the hell am I still in the league' Lugo and Joey 'Ballgame' Thurston. None of them are particularly scary on paper, but neither was Matt Stairs or Aaron Boone.

Off to watch the Twins game.

Holy Bandito!

[Editor's Note: Sean is maybe the biggest Dodgers fan I know. His dogs are all named Johnny Podres and his dad really wanted to name his sister Delino. He has a lot to offer Dodger nation. So here he is. Hope you enjoy.]

An insightful posting often commences with a flavorful quote by a world leader, a famed author, or a grungy rockstar.

Well, folks, I provide you with this, a pungent line uttered by none other than the sagacious Jose Lima: “LimaTime is halfway between a parakeet lost in a marijuana field and Margaritaville.” (Lima actually said this about himself, what a stud)

Now, I presume you’re asking yourself, why the hell are we talking about Lima Time? Well, the last time the Bums faced the Cardinals in the NLDS, it was 2004, and Jose Lima displayed his manly, genital-herpes driven talents by offering a memorable CG Shutout for the Bums victory. Sam and I sat in his beer-stained living room and emotionally connected with Jose as he forever changed our lives.

The connection between Lima Time and the 2009 Dodgers is striking. In 2004, it was Jose’s kookiness, wackiness, herpes, and emotion that fueled his success. Well, folks, this Dodgers team, to me, has a similar vibe.

Last night, I told Sam that I truly believed that we were going to beat the Cards. Not just my biased subjective feelings, but my honest gut feelings, those that originate deep in my inner cockles. I know the Bums have struggled of late, but I love our blend of veteranship, goofiness, innocence, and grit. This club exudes all that is Lima Time. And Kim Ng has two letters (no vowels) in her last name.

Between Joseph Torre, Bradley Ausmus, Juanathan Castro, and James Thome, our managerial staff is loaded, and Jason Repko is always available to run full speed into a wall (please note, Repko will not be on the active playoff roster).

Meanwhile, Raffy and Manny channel the energy of Fernando-Mania while Larry Bowa is a clear descendant of Lima Time. These two fine gentlemen, in my opinion, will serve as the X-factors (cliché, ugh) in the 2009 NLDS. The Cards produce a ton of ground-balls, thus creating a plethora of double-play oppurtunities. Further, Yadier Molina has the strongest cannon in the league (I’ve always wanted somebody to describe me as having the strongest cannon in something) and can snipe base-stealers with the best of ‘em. That being said, Raffy needs to get on base early and often and run the bases intelligently. Manny needs to elevate the ball and move runners over and in. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a number of Juan-For-Four Pierre cameos in this series, as his speed will be Wanted in this series like a bad bad man in the wild wild west.

Further, the lumberjack, Casey Blake, is our silent assassin, a man who I see chopping the legs out from under the Cards, perhaps with a late-inning bloop single in Game 2. While we are on the subject, how much would you be willing to bet that Casey Blake is direct relative of Robert E. Lee. I have a funny feeling about this, just take my word.

Our infield duo of Ronnie and the O-Dog is as solid as they come. I am uncertain as to who will start, although I’d give the nod to Orlando. Defense is of the foremost importance in the playoffs, and the O-Dog’s glove is bright gold. Ronnie can provide a nice spark off the bench, and a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Russell J. Coltrane Martin. It’s Go Time, buddy. Get your F*&^ing head out of you’re A$$ and play some bleepin’ baseball. Enough is enough. Be the leader you yearn to be. If you do, I promise Paris Hilton will sleep with you.

Matt Kemp, the future centerfielder for the NY Yankees when Steinbrenner throws a $200-million dollar contract at his face, is going to have Carlos Beltran-esque breakout in these playoffs. The man is primed for an explosion and his raw talent is unmatched in Major League Baseball. I love this man. I really do. I have even forgiven him for not giving me a baseball 2 summers ago during BP at a Bums/Rockies game in Denver. I forgive you Matt. I am sorry. Now please go hit 8 home runs. Thank you.

Andre, oh Andre. You are the spark that makes the roller-coaster in my heart run. You are the conductor of the Dodger magic. You hold the keys buster, now embrace that role. How do you have like 39 walk-off hits and then hit like .073 to end the season? Are you blogging about tacos too much and not watching film? Which Andre is going to show up for the NLDS? Look Andre, I know you were traded for Milton Bradley, thus creating massive shoes for you to fill, but move past this, man. You are an individual Andre, and a strikingly handsome one at that. Believe in your talent Andre, I know I do. Because if you continue to stink, Juan-For-Four will gladly hit triples in your honor.

As for the pitching…DREAMMMMM WEAVERRRRRRRRR! My dearest Dodgers buddies know that I have a soft spot in my rapidly-beating heart for Jeffrey. But this postseason belongs to a younger lad. I man whose attempt at a beard rivals Sam Brand circa 7th grade. A man whose left arm might eventually have a direct correlation to the solution for peace in Israel. Yes, I am talking about Matt Stafford’s best friend, Clayton Kershaw. Clayton, your performance on Saturday, in a must-win situation, brought tears to my eyes (and prompted my to buy a bottle of champagne at a dive bar to celebrate; it might have been the first bottle of champagne ever ordered at that place). Your stuff is nearing unhittable Mr. Kershaw, now go out there and deal. The Wolfman’s Brother, C-Bills, Garlandio, and Vincente Olmedo Padilla are there to support you pal (by throwing at Fat Albert’s head), so don’t hold back. Destiny awaits.

Between Broxilicious, Georgie the Mailman, Old McDonald Had a Farm, Jet Li Kuo, Ramon Martinez Troncoso, Baracuda Belisario, and Dreammmmm Weaverrrrrr, our bullpen is quite saucy, and not a huge concern of mine. If need be, Mark Loretta can always pitch a frame.

So there you have it Banditos of the Bums…Rally the troops. Break out the lucky jockstraps. Grow the moustaches. Feed the lucky cactus. It’s time to BOOGIE.

IT’S LIMA TIME!!!

Dodgers in 4.

NOT SURE IF YOU NOTICED

we made the playoffs. two years in a row. joe torre doesnt lose. really, he refuses. im not positive he sticks his fingers in personnel decisions at the minor minor league level, but hes there. looking over, dominating your overview with a mentality of success.

and thats in large part how we did it again. because we're from la, and we play against sd, and sf and the widespread beautiful sunflower seed state of kansas/colorado. we have no excuse. and torre was brought to us to manifest that destiny of statistical success.

we did it this year. we finished with the top team batting avg in the NL (.270). We finished with the top ERA of all major league teams (3.41). btw, wow. thats kinda a big deal. i feel like we've been on the verge of that for years, yet some other NL West teams sneaks in and takes the title.

The Dodgers kinda fucked shit up statistically after 162 games. Kemp only got 101 RBI, but Im having a hard time remembering when we had two players who kicked so much ass.

and we're not talking about the mound. or the legend who's just now picking up his game. i saw manny enthusiastically wave in a runner from third, eyebrows raised, eyes wide, hey i dont have any faith in myself. manny was lost, average, just somebody else in uniform, on the orioles, or who knows, an overpaid legend waiting for the guy on third to touch home on a passed ball. i saw it. game 160. unlike him. as were the 4 Ks he had that game. But word is he's hitting line drives to right field (bill simmons twitter says thats the first step towards busting out) . Sean says we gotta believe. So i'm gonna do that.

Wednesday night. welcome back to the playoffs.

I have a couple enduring memories of the playoffs. One of them involves Jose Lima, herpes (not mine), the Cardinals, and skipping class, watching the game and getting my CompLit grade reduced by a third for not showing up. I guess it was worth it. I'm making millions now. OK, not true. But who cares. lets just get into the second round and then talk about whatever's beyond.

Yowahs

1) Just watched Chicago get axed in the first round of the Olympic committee's voting. Way to go Oprah and Mr. Prez-- crushing my dreams of smooching Nastia Lukin. Oh well, on to bigger and bluer things.

2) Biggest series of the year starts tonight. How awesome would a sweep be? Just saying. How not awesome would getting swept be? Just saying. We're 12-3 on the year against the Rockies, but the Rocks are gelling and we're playing like the Isatopes. We'll send Wolf to the mound tonight--essentially cementing his spot as our #1 in the playoff rotation--Kershaw tomorrow, and Kuroda or Billingsly in game three. For me, this series is a HUGE indicator of how we're going to to fare in the playoffs and who's gonna pitch in the playoffs. Chavez Ravine is gonna be crazy, both teams are gonna be hyped, and Jim Tracy and Joe Torre both might even get off the bench DURING the game.

Gosh Darn Zaragoza

OK, Dave. I really wanted to write about the Dodgers. its a special time for them and the people deserve it. but i just can't compete with your knowledge. So i'm gonna write about some tacos. Close enough, no?

Zaragoza. It's a city in Spain and a shitty Mexican deli in the East Village. I don't know which serves better tacos, but I'm gonna guess the deli since Spain doesn't really do tacos. So fuck Spain. (love ur art and ur women, but sry, this time.)

This is pretty much the only place in NYC that I will watch a dude zap my food in a microwave and not give a shit. Try that at an authentic ramen joint or a burger joint and i will seriously leave and throw feces at you. It's happened before.

But Zaragoza. this little gem on Ave. A and 13 St. This place serves GOAT tacos. for real yo. El Cabrito in Acapulco has a flaming goat on a spit in the lobby, and that shits good too. But Zaragoza is just like eat my goat tacos. They're seriously delicious. Ask Jonny.

They also have carne asada and chicken and, if you're smart you'll order the pork (maybe that's all you'll order, if you're smart), and you can sit back with a 24 oz. Dos Equis, wait for the cashier/waiter to forget your rice and beans, and just love that you're not spending $60 at Mercadito across the street. This place will fill you up and if you're not a pussy you won't shit yourself.

This place really is good. And it's a mexican market. If I knew how to cook the real authentic shit like goat goat goat and chile relleno (filled with squid), i would prob buy my spices here. But I'm white as shit and i like cooking pasta and ramen and quesadillas. So i'll just come here for the tacos when i feel a lil crazy. I very often do.

C'mon Bros

With all this jibber jabber about our inconsistent and unreliable rotation, the media is failing to address the real concern for the Dodgers if we hope to make a playoff run: our hitting. Sure on paper we look like an offensive juggernaut--highest batting avg. in the majors, most runs in the National Leage-- but Ethier has just one hit in his last 27 at bats, Manny is hitting like boy-band Manny, and the Dogs have averaged around 3 runs facing Washington, Pittsburgh and San Diego scrubs. 

Let's face it, come playoff time the season statistics and records really don't matter. It comes down to who's the hottest team. Last year the Phillies entered the playoffs after an 11-3 stretch. In 2007, the Rockies cruised to the World Series riding their 20 something game regular season winning streak. It's because of this that  we see Wild Card teams go on a "miraculous" runs to the world series (Tampa Bay Rays, Rockies, Florida Marlins, 2004 Red Sox). These teams are generally fighting to get into the playoffs up to the last game of the season and are on top of their game when they finally get there. 

Furthermore and henceforth, in order for the Dodgers to make a run deep into October we really need Ethier, Manny and crew to pick up their game BEFORE we get to the playoffs. Torre should not rest these guys. Get our starters--specifically Ethier, Manny and Russ--as many at-bats as possible. Our pitching staff, Billingsly included, has been kicking ass as of late and I would bet my bottom dollar they'll be excellent in the playoffs. Our offense will be the difference between a first round ousting or a run to the series. 

Jason, Jason, Jason

Hello friends, it's been a while.

I just came across this article by Jason Stark. To summarize it briefly, Stark ranks potential postseason rotations from best to worst, one through nine. Ahead of the Dodgers are: the Red Sox, Cardinals, Phillies, Yankees, Angels, Tigers and Rockies. I understand putting the Sox, Cards, and even the and Yankees ahead of us, but this is downright ignaaaant.

The Dogs have had the best ERA in the bigs virtually all year, and their starters have the best combined ERA of any of these nine teams. Homie should stop worrying about the order, and start considering the rotation as a whole. Personally, I would feel more comfortable pitching Billingsly (who Stark doesn't even have etched in the rotation) in a must win over Joel Pinero, Scott Kazmir, Rick Porcello, Joe Blanton and Jason Marquis--all players who Stark has at the 3 for teams ranked above the Dodgers. Give me any of our 5--I'm assuming Garland will be in the pen despite his playoff experience-- over Nate Robertson, Pedro, Ervin Santana, Chad Gaudin, or Kyle Lohse.

Our rotation's potentially scary, and even if Bills and Kershaw don't regain their first-half form, we have very good starters waiting in the pen. Garland has a 1.91 ERA since joining the Dogs, and a 2.25 career playoff ERA, Padilla hasn't lost as a dodger, has gone 5+ innings in every start and knows the Phillies after playing for them from 2001-2005, and Billingsly is an all-star innings eater who, when on his game, is a top 10 pitcher in the bigs. Pretty solid "fall backs" if you ask me.

Personally, I think we'll wind up with a four man rotation of Wolf, Kershaw, Kuroda, and Bills. Having all these arms will only help. When the Phils throw Cliff Lee at us on 3-days rest we'll counter with a fully rested Wolf or Kershaw. The more quality arms the better as far as I'm concerned.

Look for Bills to bring his A-game tonight at San Diego. If his A-game isn't good enough for the W, then maybe he's not ready for the playoff rotation.

Kobe Sits in the Unlimited Nachos Seats

Stud

30 home runs
98 RBI
6 walk-off hits
5 games up in the division

Hello Jim, Hello Jon

Scully announced just moments ago that the Dodgers have acquired over-the-hill slugger Jim Thome. A player to be announced will be shipped to the White Sox in return, tho probably not Ronnie Belliard, who hit a home run tonight and remains overwhelmingly unwanted by every team in the bigs. One day in the mid '90s Uncle Fun Richie and I caught the Indians at Yankee Stadium and Thome signed a ball for me. I have no idea where that ball is now, but Thome has occupied a special place in my heart ever since. He's sorta the Vin Baker of baseball for me, except instead of booze, Thome's drug of choice is HGH, and instead of Sam Cassell, Thome had Carlos Baerga. Really, there's no reason to dislike the move by the Dogs. We now own 8% of the 500 HR club, and 17% of the most protruding chins in baseball. The only down side is that we'll now have to move to the AL west to accommodate our venerable DH. Either that or make it to the World Series. I'll take the latter.

In other late-breaking news, we also obtained the rights to Jon Garland, again for a player to be named later. With his 1 World Series win added to our pen, we've now doubled our team total (Dream Weaver has 1). Be afraid MLB.

Observations - August 20 (Cubs Must Die)

Game 122 on WGN. The first game I've caught in full since Verizon accidentally killed my Wi-Fi when I switched up my plan a couple weeks ago. 3.5 games up in the division at the start of the game. We need a win.

- Tonight's intriguing duos: WGN announcers Bob Brenley and Len Kasper (who will be referred to in this post as Jeff Twardzik, for no real reason); Andre Ethier and Milton Bradley, Weaver vs. Gorzelanny

- Two warning track outs in the top of the first - somehow a 1,2,3 inning. Weaver is gonna make this an interesting one.

- Rafael Furcal - 6 stolen bases this year. If I remember correctly, Kenny Loften had 6 a game when he hit 40.

- Fukudome bibim bomb (I know, he's Japanese, not Korean. It sounds good, deal with it). Top of second. The Weaver feast begins?

- Old timer Cubs coach in the stands. Came up with the dodgers 40 years ago. Summer of '69. The players would listen to Vin Scully on the radio while in the dugout. The red headed godfather is a national treasure.

- 6oth year for Lasorda. 60th year for Scully. Brenley: The difference between the two: "Vin comes up with new stories every once in a while."

- Lasorda's only milestone as a player according to Baseball Reference? His 7 wild pitches in 1956 gave him the third most in the AL.

- Charlie Haeger and Jeff Weaver are in our starting rotation with 40 games to go in the season. That's like 8 starts each. Shit?

- Things never before noticed until now about Dodger Stadium and the Dodgers: big, white moonbounce out beyond center; "Think Cure!" painted along the third base line; Russell Martin's jersey says "J. Martin."

- Brenley says one team in the NL has used its bullpen more than us. The Nationals.

- Player we miraculously don't have on the books: Alfonso Soriano.

- Weaver gets out of a bases loaded one-out jam in the 3rd with the luckiest back-to-back strikeouts i've ever seen. Low and away sliders to drunk Soriano followed by fingers-crossed juiceballs down the middle to Baker.

- Twardzik: Joe Torre has led his team to the playoffs in each of the last 13 years. If the Dodgers make it this year, he'll tie Bobby Cox for the record.

- Kings of Leon drummer in the stands. Probably thought BROnson Arroyo was on the mound tonight.

- Key Moment: 2-2, bottom 6, bases loaded, 1 out. Russell Martin at the plate vs. Angel Guzman after the intentional walk to Loney. I would've taken the deep sac fly. I'll take the grand slam, Russ' 4th(!) homer of the year.

- Aramis Ramirez. batting .324. Has 34 RBI. There's probably a logical explanation. Probably involves Alfonso Soriano.

- Troncoso is a member of the underrated beard club. Confederate general category.

- Twardzik: Manny swung at/made contact with every first pitch he's seen tonight.

- Shitty stat club tally:
Soriano: OBP = .300
Aramis Ramirez: RBI = 34
Rafael Furcal: SB = 4
Russell Martin: HR = 4

Great win. Dodgers at 72-50, maintain 3.5 game lead on the Rockies, 5.5 on the Giants.

Unripe Avocados

Tonight the Dodgers close their eyes and reach into the avocado bin against the Cardinals for the last time this season. If their luck is as poor as mine - and it has been vs. this clearly superior NL foe every season in recent memory - the Dogs will pull out a rock-hard and flavorless fruit. This is the way it is with avocados. When you need a ripe one, you won't find one. When you want one that will be ready in two days to round out your planned meal of a smoked gouda quesadilla & Newman's Own Lemonade, you'll only find avocados that want to be eaten right then and there.

Maybe it's not avocado season. Maybe it ended before the All-Star break. Maybe I should try one of those big Mexican variety avocados, you know, the ones with the pimply light green skin that you only see in grocery stores, though never in anyone's basket. Maybe I should try one of the varieties in this enlightening little chart. Maybe I'll just buy a pack of baby carrots. Most likely, I'll buy two unripe avos ($2.50 each), put them on my windowsill and forget about them until they grow little trees out of them. I guess that wouldn't be too bad.

Scully PWNS Swindle

I hopped into bed, flipped open my laptop and turned on mlb.tv just as the bottom of the 8th of last night's game began. Down 4-12, the Brewers put R.J. Swindle on the mound. A doughy looking fella who resembles something like Dave Matthews and Paula Poundstone's love child - A real comely ballplayer, as you can see. Swindle proceeded to get a major league shellacking. The type you would witness if your high school's varsity go-to middle reliever stepped on the mound to face legitimate major league ballplayers. That's what it looked like, and that's pretty much what it was. Mr. Swindle, Wikipedia tells us, "has five pitches, including a fastball, slider, change-up, cutter, and a 55 mph curveball." His "fastball," mind you, topped out at 80 mph. When Vin saw the man's curve, which clocked in at 53 and then 52 mph on the very generous Dodgers speed gun, he did everything except laugh in the dude's face.

“Wow, 52 mph! I think that’s the slowest pitch I’ve ever seen on the gun here at Dodger Stadium. I tell you what… if you strike out on that pitch, you really got Swindled!” [via Stop Making Sense]

Vin then went on to make some comment about how bad the Brewers bullpen and pitching prospects must be for Swindle to make the major league squad. It might have been the most pejorative thing I've ever heard Mr. Scully say.

Still, a couple Dodgers did strike out at Swindle's hand (Castro, Furcal), but when the inning was done the Dodgers had thrown 5 more runs on the board. Guillermo even put up an RBI bloop single. Swindle now has an ERA of 16.20. He has not thrown a scoreless inning this year. Seriously. Here's to hoping we see him on the mound tonight.

All-Fatty Team

In light of the signing of George Sherrill and Prince Fielder declaring war on the Dodgers, I've decided to put together a team like no other, a team of the biggest fatties in the MLB. Shockingly, this team would probably compete with, and beat, most squads in the Bigs, and truth be told, they probably all have faster 40 times than anyone reading this blog.
SP: CC "Chicken Cutlets" Sabathia

CP: Eddie "Everyday I eat Steak" Guardado

C: Benji "The Fat One" Molina

1B: "Burger Prince" Fielder

2b: Ron "Chicken Grease" Beliard

SS: Christian "Uhhhh" Guzman

3B: Pablo "The New Giant Tomato" Sandoval

LF: Adam "The Donkey" Dunn

CF: Andrew "I'm Jonesing for a Burger" Jones

RF: Bobby "I Might Be Fat" Abreu

DH: David "Big Papa Johns" Ortiz

Prince Fattie Storms the Clubhouse

If you haven't heard, things got preeeety chippy after the Dogs beat the snot out of the Brewers 17-4 last night. In retaliation for an errant pitch that grazed Manny Ramirez in the 7th, Guillermo Mota sent Prince Fielder to the ground with a 94 mph fastball to the thigh. But wait! There's more! After the game, in an attempt to get at Mota (or, more realistically, because he heard about the delicious Dodger post-game spread of sandwiches and pizza) Fielder tried to break into the Dodgers locker room. Ultimately, he was held back by a dozen teammates and a couple security guards, preventing anything truly awesome from happening.

Tonight, in the final game of the season against the Brew Crew, the Dogs will send Schmidty to the mound. 5 or 6 years ago this would be the perfect dude to have on the bump in a game that is sure to get chippy. His menacing mid-90s fastball was not something to mess with. However, I highly doubt that any of the Brewers are shaking at the knees for fear of getting hit by his lazy 85 mph heater. Unfortunately, the Dogs will probably be the ones waking up on Thursday with giant welts on their backs and arms. Hopefully they'll also be the ones waking up with the win.

Bro, you have it all wrong...

This is who Jose Canseco was talking about...

Say it aint so.....

I've let it be known on this blog, and in drunken conversations with friends, that I'm not the most critical person in the world when it comes to steroids in baseball. I justified my position by arguing that steroids gave the MLB a better product. I take it all back. It's hard to imagine a bigger cover-up in sports....ever. Baseball, and Selig, have obviously known about the steroid abuse for the last decade, and they did nothing.

When Jose Canseco has more credibility than Bud Selig, something's gone terribly wrong. Canseco, once the madcap, mean spirited asshole of sports, is now baseball's most dependable source when it comes to the steroid saga. Everyone he's accused has been found guilty. Now, seeing yet another opportunity to enter the spotlight, the broke D-Bag is claiming that he knows there is a steroid user in the Hall of Fame. One has to assume that player is Rickey Henderson--Canseco's teamate in Oakland during the '90s. What's worse? I have no doubt the sleazy tattle tail is telling the truth.

It's time to bite the bullet and release the list--or have Selig step down as commissioner. Someone's obviously leaking these names, and he/she/it should step up and release all of them. Let us, the public, move on, and save the legacies of those players who didn't take steroids. Blow the top off this thing, end the speculation, and give the public a concrete end to the steroid era.

294+230= A Very Fat Bullpen

Big news in the City of Angels today. ESPN is reporting that the Lake Show and LO have agreed to terms on a 4 year, $33 million contract. The Lakers are, once again, the favorites in the West--in my eyes. Had Kupchak and Dr. Buss failed to sign LO, the Spurs would have been the pick to win it. The Lakers will enter the preseason much improved, and everyone's favorite to repeat. I really can't wait to see Artest and Garnett go at it next year.

In other news, the Dodgers got some much needed help for the bullpen in acquiring George Sherrill. The Blue Crew sent Steven Johnson and Josh Bell to the Orioles in return for the Flat-Billed Fatapuss. Many people will remember Sherrill from the 2008 all star game. His unique delivery, robust frame, and 2.40 ERA will set up for Baby Brox, creating what is sure to be the heaviest bullpen duo in the history of professional baseball-- their combined weight: 524 pounds.

Manny and Ortiz Before Roids

Not Funny

This is for that little child with no father
For that man that doesn't have a place to stay
For that little boy living with AIDS...

Who Haz the Longest Hair in Sports?

I was watching the Dodgers vs. Cards game last night, because it was on ESPN, I wanted to see Matt Holliday in red, and I love the Dodgers. I really do. Besides the revelation that my good buddy Jonny had never in his life heard of Albert Pujols (but was familiar with Fernando Tatis), the most startling occurrence of the evening was, well, Manny's hair. I couldn't help but marvel at the man's locks every time he stepped to the plate. His dreads are chunky. They're robust. His scalp really must be remarkably healthy. And jeez is that hair long. I don't know if you've noticed. Maybe, like me, you were too occupied with the thought of Manny just being Manny. But the dude's hair goes down to his nipples. AND IT'S IN DREADS. Imagine how long it must really be. Is there any professional athlete with longer hair than Man-Ram?

A few come to mind:











Fuck, i don't know anything about soccer. help plz.

BOOM!

TrueBlueLA.com puts up these probability of win graphics courtesy of Fangraphs.com every once in a while. They didn't for this big game and I was curious just how mathematically devastating the Manny slam really was. Well, there you have it.

Observations - July 23

- After watching last night's game, it's become apparent that Matt Kemp is not only one of the most underrated hitters in the majors, as everyone seems to be saying right now, but he's also one of the most deft and range-y centerfielders in the MLB.

- I learn time and again that Russell Martin is a superb catcher. Last night he knocked numerous awry Billingsley pitches into the dirt in front of him, and he executed 2 impressive throwouts during the game: one to end the inning and save a run after scooping up a Billingsley wild pitch and rocketing it to first; another to third to catch votto/nicks/other white Reds guy stealing (stupidly) with zero outs.

- Billingsley is wild. The walk totals don't lie.

- Manny Ramirez is the greatest hitter I've ever watched play on my computer screen. Vin Scully said during the broadcast, "the crowd made the loudest noise in 20 years" after Manny's pinch-hit grand slam.

- Bronson Arroyo's hair needs to be cut for cancer or some other worthy cause.

- Vin says Tim Wakefield is the best guitarist in the MLB. Yes, better than Bronson.

- David Weathers.

- Don Sutton pitched on the 1988 championship team. I noticed this the other day while looking up Mike Sharperson's stats. Sutton didn't make the cut for the postseason roster and retired the following offseason.

- The Dogs swept the Reds. They're now 78-23. Or something like that.

SCHMIIIIIIIIIDTAAAAY

Last night, in his first start since June 16, 2007, Jason Schmidt took to the bump against the Reds. The first inning saw some schmitty defense and a bunch of 88 mph fastballs down the pipe. The Red Machine put up a quick three runs, but after the first, number 29 seemed to settle down a bit. He went 5 innings, finished with two Ks and 3 walks, and got the win.

Let's be honest, Schmidt looked nothing like the dude we signed in 2006. He still has the same chicken legs, but his fastball topped out at a Gregg Maddux-esque 89 mph. He's far from the power pitcher he used to be and we hoped would return from injury. Without his power fastball, I really doubt he can be effective in the rotation OR in the bullpen. His lack of velocity has forced him to completely alter his strategy on the mound and, quite frankly, his breaking stuff is not good enough to complement his new mind set. Steroids?

Oh well, at least our offense is awesome.

HAWT Dodgers Gear for '09

I don't own enough Dodgers gear. Every Dodgers fan is required to own a New Era fitted cap, and I'm cool in that department. I've got a freebie Dodgers.com white tee that's too soot-smeared to wear out in public. And I've got a blue Garciaparra tee, inherited from the big little bro, but it's a few boobs too big for me. I need some new gear, but I won't wear just anything. I probably won't even wear a replica jersey. Like hockey and football jerz's, authentic baseball tops just don't work unless you're a rapper, a lesbian, or wearing baseball stirrups. So forget the dozens of potentially awesome replica jerseys (Choi, Strawberry, Butler, Quantrill, etc.) you can spend your day hunting down on eBay. All I want for Christmas is Chin-lung Hu.

Dodgers Tie Dye Shirt - $20.00

Can't figure out if this is ironic wear or serious wear. Probably depends what you accessorize it with.

Dodgers Poncho - $65

Fashion Tip: Be naked under this.

1988 World Champions Ring - $8.99

This will look good on you in Facebook photos and when you grab things off the rack at upscale secondhand boutiques.

Reversible Leather/Wool Jacket - $179.99

OK, don't get this.

Reebok Dodgers Sandals - $24.95

For optimal function, slip these on in the morning, smoke a bowl out of Bong Chi Kuo, sit in recliner, watch Three's Company.

Fernando Valenzuela Cooperstown Throwback Jersey - $105

I know I said no jerseys. This is the one and only exception. ABBA wrote a song about him.

Phiten Titanium Dodgers Necklace X30 - $23.99

I don't know what this is, but you can probably use it as a whip in case the Pablo Sandoval fan next to you gets a little unruly.

Los Doyers Shirt - $18.99

I might actually buy this. If there are any Hispanics reading this blog, please tell me if this is racist.

Joe Jonas Dodgers Ray Ban Wayfarers

WANT. WANT. WANT. WEENIS. WANT.