WHAT UP LADIES!!!

Where Are They Now: Travis Knight

Travis "The Dark" Knight spent three wonderful years playing for the Los Angeles Lakers, serving as our third string center during the 1999-2000 Championship campaign. After being drafted by the Bulls in 1996 and not even being offered a contract, TK signed with the Lakers. While some argue that his career highlight is his team-high 10 rebounds in a 119-96 win over the Warriors in March of 2000, others argue that his greatest professional accomplishment is his NBA playoff record for the quickest disqualification. In Game 4 of the 1999 Western-Conference semi-finals our Knight in shining armor fouled out in a mere 6 minutes. 

After retiring in 2003, the harsh reality of being an unemployed, white, 7-footer hit him hard. For years he struggled with adjusting to life as a commoner. At bars, he struggled to garner the attention of females. He was forced to fly coach yet couldn't fit in the seats. He could not afford custom cars and thus was forced to buy a Subaru Impreza and learn to drive with his knees. He constantly bumped his head on the lintel of the doorway in his new condominium in Brunswick, CT. 

All this changed when, in 2007, he underwent revolutionary height reduction therapy. After several orthopedic surgeries and months of rehabilitation he was released from the hospital a manageable 5'8''. After his release, he decided to pursue his love of performance. In his attempt to recapture the magic of celebrity, he began taking voice, dance, and beat boxing lessons and changed his name to Blake Lewis. In the 2007 season of American Idol, the new, ultra-confident, Knight appeared on American Idol. His flashy dance moves, soulful melodies, and incredible beat boxing captured the American public. Ultimately, however, Knight finished 2nd and has since faded back into obscurity. Today, Knight can be found in Salt Lake City, UT, a choir conductor at a local middle school. 

Boston Celtics: Ugliest Team in The NBA

I'm watching the Celtics/Bulls game right now and I've got two observations:

a) With the exception of Jesus Shuttlesworth, the Celtics are by far the ugliest team in the NBA. I'm not talking about their play, but rather their faces. One would be hard pressed to find a more homely collection of basketball players than  Paul Pierce and his pube-ish beard, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Kendrick Perkins, Rajon Rondo and Brian Scalabrene. The only uglier collection of people in the NBA are the Celtics' Fans. 

b) Ben Gordon is going to make BIG money next year. If Daniel Gibson can collect 5 years and $20.8 Million after his playoff performance two years ago, I'd expect BG to rake in around 4 years and $40 Million next year. 

c) Nothing pisses me off more than Doc Rivers' facetious smirk every time a foul is called on his squad. 

d) The Boston Celtics remind me a lot of the Italian soccer team. They exaggerate their injuries (Peirce in a wheelchair, Rondo being carried off), have weird facial hair, and sweat a lot (watch Perkins at the line). 

Lakers Blow Lead, Win Series, Fans Cry

OK, it wasn't the prettiest 1 vs. 8 matchup the NBA playoffs have ever seen. But you know what, the Lakers got the job done against a very legit opponent. Are you convinced the Jazz aren't the second best team in the East? Me neither, you could probably talk me into it. And meanwhile every Lakers fan I've talked to over the past week says, "We've gotta stop giving up these leads." It's the first thing that comes out of anyone's mouth who's been watching this series. OK, that and "I feel bad for Farmar."

This is what I've gotta say about those of you who can't get over our fourth quarter near-collapses. Deal with it. You should be happy we can put together 20 point leads as it is. Never mind our penchant for letting them dissolve late in games. Complain instead about Bynum's first round no-shows. Complain about Sasha's all too frequent frantic TO's. Complain about Pau's inability to dominate a team lacking a legit 7 footer. Don't complain about going up big only to win by a few. Those games were W's, after all. (OK, not game three, in which the Lakers were up 8 going into the final quarter. But that game would have been ours if Kobe shot 24% from the field instead of 21%.)

Basically, I feel pretty good about the Lakers right now. Yeah, next to the decimation of the Tehachapi Salamander, and the closing of Duttons, the saddest thing in SoCal, maybe the world, is seeing Farmar wrapped in warmups all game long. I keep telling myself he's still young by PG standards and he'll be something in this league before long. But things are good in Laker Land. In fact, they might be better than good. We've identified our weakness, and I think, we're ready to move on.

Lakers vs. Jazz: Game 3

Energy Solutions Arena smelled like the Delta Center last night. Stockton was in the stands, fresh off his induction into the basketball HOF. Malone was too busy hauling a stand of conifers across country to make the game, but he was present in spirit, summoned by Charlie Boozer before the game and manifest in the man's 20-20. '90s Jazz stalwart Ty Corbin - who's now an asst coach on the team - whispered words of encouragement into the ears of CJ Miles and Ronnie Brewer Jr. whose combined defensive efforts forced Kobe into shooting an abominable 5-24.

Did the Jazz beat the Lakers last night or did the Lakers beat themselves? The Lake Show scuttled its overwhelming height advantage when Bynum got himself fouled out in the 3rd (Or at least Marv, Reggie and I thought he fouled out, the box score says otherwise). In any case, he played only 8 minutes in a game where his interior D was needed to thwart the pick-n-roll. Kobe did his best frustrated toddler impression last night, hoisting up more contested fallaways than Dejuan Wagner in a game of 1-on-1 with Loren Woods. Ronnie Brewer Sr. might have been correct when he said the difference between Kobe and Jordan is consistency. Is that what he said? I don't remember. I just know he looked cool in that Kangol and he played on that post-Walton Blazers team documented by Halberstam in Breaks of the Game.

Fact is, Kobe's gotta pass. Every time he drove and dumped down low to Pau, good things happened. The Jazz don't have the size to contain our bigs. They've got a couple very good defenders on the wings, and unless we're moving the ball and forcing double teams, Kobe isn't gonna find too many open looks. D-Will is gonna get his, and the altitude is gonna give the Lakers some wind problems, but as I see it, those are the only givens when it comes to this Jazz team. Boozer should be contained on every play except a few of those pick-n-rolls when help D on D-Will will be necessary. No more open elbow shots, and no more 22 rebound games.

Game 4 will be different. The Lakers won't shoot 37% from the field and 62% from the line. At least not unless the Jazz can figure out some way to get Tyrone Corbin on the floor.

Where Are They Now: Ismael Valdez

Ismael "Rocket" Valdez played for the Blue Crew for 6 magnificent years winning 51 games. He was signed by the Dodgers at the age of 17 and made his major league debut at the age of 20. After being implicated in the Mitchell report, he officially retired from baseball in 2006.

In 2007 Ismael invented a new fusion cuisine he coined as the "Falaco". Growing up in Mexico, but being mistaken as Middle Eastern throughout his career, he decided that it would be ironic and fitting to incorperate his two favorite foods, falafels and tacos. The falaco consists of a pita shell stuffed with sour cream, pico de gallo, two falafel balls, carnitas, and rice and beans. His other invention, the schwarma asada, has also garnered attention through its appearance on Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations". Today Valdez owns his very own restaurant, "Rocket's Falaco's", in San Dimas, California.

Valdez will always be remembered as the Dodger with the flattest ass in franchise history. I have fond memories of sitting on the first base side of the field with my father watching him pitch from the stretch, and wondering "where is his ass?".

Dodgers, Heat vs Hawks, Quarterbacks, Tacos

Another typical loss. The Puppies had the tying run at the plate three times in the 9th only to have the game end on a strikeout. On to other things.....

By far the most interesting opening playoff series has been, and will continue to be, the Hawks and Heat. Two ultra-athletic, young teams fighting to play the Cavaliers in the second round. While some think they're playing for a death sentence, I don't. The Hawks match up pretty favorably with the Cavs, a ton of long athletic bodies to throw at Bron Bron, some athletic little dudes to guard Mo Williams, and solid big men to match up with Z. If the Hawks win, mark my words, they will take the Cavs 6 or 7 games. The Heat, not so much.

Also, I've been watching a lot of this Pre-NFL Draft hoopla on ESPN, and they keep talking about QB busts. They talk as though QBs are more likely to be unsuccessful in the NFL than any other position. This seems kinda silly to me. How many QBs get drafted every year? Five, maybe six on a good year? How many offensive linemen, defensive linemen, or line backers get drafted? 20 maybe 30 a piece? There's only one quarterback on the field for each team so it's unfair to talk like they're disproportionally likely to fail. I would bet that their bust to boom ratio is no larger than any other position in the draft.

Lastly, a taco update: they were delicious.

CHECK MY COS!!!!

The Spank Show and the Lose Crew

The Dodgers ended their 8th game win streak and my dreams of an 159-3 record. The Dodgers lost in typical fashion, putting the tying run at the plate three times in the 9th, only to have Manny pop out and Loney and Ethier strike out. However, on a brighter note, according to www.dodgers.com, Randy Wolf doesn't hold a grudge against the Astros, saying "I made a lot of friends over there". How sweet is that? Tonight he faces Roy Oswalt the rest of his pals in Houston. Don't be surprised if he leaves a couple friendly fastballs up in the zone for Lance Berkman and the rest of his buddies to take yard. Prediction: Astros 6, Dodgers 4.

On another note, the Lakers beat the Jazz by 10 last night. The Jazz kept the game close for much of the second half, but there was never really and doubt that the Lake Show would win. That being said, the fact that the Lakers have allowed 100 points in both of their wins is a little disconcerting. Derek Fisher looks old and Andrew Bynum has been playing like he has his mind elsewhere. Bynum's lack of focus can most likely be attributed to his newfound love of the opposite sex. In the past couple months, Bynum has been hanging out at the playboy mansion, and recently he was spotted cozing up to Rhianna. Our babyfaced center has been showing a lot more game off the court than he has on it.

Lastly, an update on my tacos. I recently went to the Village Market and purchased tomatos, onions, tortillas, a couple chicken breasts and some canned salsa verde.

The Dodgers, The Lakers, The Tacos

Yeah, yeah, my bad.

Have you heard this one? A 22 year old Vin Scully walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Yo Vin, why the long face?" (see picture below)

Aaaaaaaaanyways, things are good on the west coast. The blue crew is tearing it up, riding an 8 game win streak into their series with the Houston Astros. Ethier is the NL player of the month, leading the league in RBIs and leading the Dogs with 4 round-trippers, and we haven't been forced to sign any 45 year old starting pitchers (read: Pedro Martinez). Other than a brief slip about wanting to play in Cleveland, Manny seems happy and is playing like the Manbone who sparked a city's interest in baseball. As for the Lake Show, what can I say? My boy Ariza stepped up, just as I had hoped he would, and we dismantled a Jazz team that I initially thought could be pretty dangerous.

It's kinda hard to blog about a couple of teams who look like the cream of the crop in their respective leagues. So, I've decided to dedicate this post to my favorite cuisine, tacos.

For my final project at Kenyon College I will be doing a 5-minute presentation on the history of tacos for my Intro Spanish class. I'm thinking that I'll make chicken tacos. Carne Asada is way too much effort and I don't really like ground beef. Aren't Liberal Arts schools, awesome? I want to thank my (our) father for spitting out tons of dough on my education. Without his investment I would never have been able to study tacology, and for that I am thankful.

God Bless and Go Dodgers.

Whoa! Dave, catch up. dont' let this little fatty die!

In LA news...

Rejoice! Vin Scully has been voted Mr. LA by readers of whatever magazine this is. also, Mayor Villarigosa sent 4 suits to the dry cleaners today and had Malinche his housekeeper toast him ego minis for breakfast.

its good to be an angelino.

as for the dodgers. well, they fuckin rock. as you know. i told you this lineup would be sick. keep it up.

and lakers. well, theyre kinda too good for their own good. they're so good that they're not even playing basketball. they're playing some game called let the stars pass up easy shots, give the ball to role players, dance around Boozer - who i swear has lost 3 steps, and generally play down to your competition. the lakers play down to their competition and win by 12. weird, no?

i say lakers by 12 again tonight.

Thoughts on yesterday's game

1) O-dog, 'nuff said. First Dodger to hit for the cycle since 1970. Continue to love his speed and ability to make contact.

2) Billingsly isn't a headcase! After the playoffs last year a lot of people questioned whether or not Billingsly would develop into a big game pitcher. Well, in front of the biggest crowed in the history of the Chavez Ravine, against a first ballot hall of famer and the Dodger's arch rival he threw an absolute gem. Sure the Giants offense is nothing to write home about, he had a ton of run support and it's only the 7th game of the season, but he didn't walk people and he got ahead of hitters in an environment that probably would've had McDonald (and a lot of young pitchers) shitting his pants.

3) Ethier off the schneid? Two boombas and 4 RBIs after Torre moved him to the 6 hole. Russ off the schneid? Two hits and two RBis from the 5 hole lifting him above the Mendoza line.

4) I'm feeling for Dewitt. After proving that he can produce at the Major League level, Dewitt was demoted to Triple A. A good decision by Dodger management-- he'll be able to get a lot more at bats in the minors-- but it's gotta be pretty frustrating for the young guy. That being said, Loretta will fill his spot nicely. He can still play three positions and has proven he can still hit.

Where are they now: AC Green

Greeny played for the Lakers from 1986 to 1993 and then again during the 1999-2000 championship season. The NBA's own Iron Man played in 1,192 games throughout his career, missing only three in roughly 14 years. The determination and resiliance exhibited throughout his career on the court was matched only by his resiliance and determination fighting off the ladies outside the Great Western Forum. Green let it be known publicly that he began, and ended, his career a virgin.

However, in the fall of 2001 Green's v-card was swiped by Shalonda Wiggins, an elementary school teacher from Green's hometown of Portland, Oregon. After 2 minutes of what Green described as "blissful enchantment" he knew that this was for him. Ten months later, after experiencing the lady boys of Thailand, Parisian burlesque dancers, and 58% of the female population in West Covina, Green enrolled in Nymphos Anonymous. He graduated from the program in six months and now lives alone with his collection of beanie babies in Rancho Cucamonga.

Green is, and always will be, a champion. His toughness on and off the court inspires all of us. He is a model of consistency and perseverance, and, like a beacon in the night, his morality shines bright in a dark dark world.

A Week Hath Past

Well, the first week of the MLB Season has past and our beloved blue crew is 3-3. So what have we learned about the Dogs?

1) Orlando Hudson was a huge pick up. Through 6 games O-Dog leads the team in total bases and stolen bases and is second in slugging percentage and runs. Not to mention his solid .370 OBP. His ability to get on base and his speed will be key if the Dogs are gonna put up the number of runs necessary to complement our young pitching staff.

2) The bullpen remains solid. With the losses of Saito and Beimel, the bullpen was supposed to be one of our weak spots. However, the young guys look real good so far. Broxton looked untouchable in his first outing and has so far given up 1 run in three innings while striking out 4. Perhaps the biggest surprise has been Ronald Belisario. Through 3 games and 4.2 innings he has yet to give up a run and has struck out 8 and walked only 1.

3) The front end of our rotation looks great. Kuroda, Billingsly and Kershaw all had excellent outings giving up a combined 4 runs.

4) The back end of our rotation is suspect. Wolf was hardly effective giving up 4 runs in 5 innings. He walked as many as he struck out, didn't get ahead of hitters and had a lot of trouble locating his offspeed pitches. We all know about McDonald. Torre remains confident that he can be a solid 5 for the Dodgers, but I am a little more skeptical. I know it was his first start in the bigs, but the dude looked frazzled. He had a lot of trouble throwing strikes, specifically early in the count. He's got the stuff to be successful, but he has to get his head straight. All this being said, Stults looked like a great 5 option in his one outing. I can almost guarantee that the back end of our staff will be different before the trading deadline, but until then Wolf and McDonald need to improve.

5) Manny is being Manny. He might not have a home run and he might only be batting .263, but Manbone has already had a huge effect on the dodger lineup. He has an OBP of .462, and leads the team in runs, doubles, and walks. Other players are seeing better pitches because of his presence in the lineup and they're taking advantage. He'll have 25 bombs and 100 RBIs by the end of the year, but his impact goes far beyond Home Runs and RBIs.

Where are they now: Ron Coomer

After his retirement from professional baseball in 2003, Ronald "Coom Dog" Coomer returned to his hometown of Crest Hill, Illinois. He married his high school sweetheart and the two of them had 4 boys, Ron Jr, Leroy, Scout, and Dale.

Today, Ron owns a roadside diner called Coomer's that is known throughout Crest Hill for their incredible fried bologne sandwiches and "coom dogs" (hot dog covered in mayonaise and mint flavored skoal). He also serves as the Western Illinois liaison for the Skoal Smokeless Tobacco brand.

While his time with the Blue Crew was short- he appeared in only 60 games- his legacy is undeniable. I will always remember watching Coom Dog jog around the bases after one of his moon shots-- back straight, belly out, and an ungodly amount of dip packed in his lower lip. He reminds us, even today, that it is neither the size of the dog in the fight NOR the amount of fight in the dog that matters. The true measurement of a dog is the amount of Coom it has.

greetings from the mac store in soho. i'm waiting for a burrito from calexico, one of the only nyc burritos i'll eat, and trying out this 15 inch macbook pro. i want it. about as badly as i want o-hud and rafi to be the first team tandem with 50 steals each in a season. yesterdays dodger loss was a bummer, a typical late inning implosion that we're sure to see plenty more of in the months to come. 88-74 is a fair prediction, brother. but damn it'd be nice to get 90-95 wins and make the div championship a sure thing. too much to ask? not with our payroll, not with our lineup, not with the quality hurlers that are sure to be sold for minor league marbles once the trade deadline looms. toronto can't afford to keep halladay. can it? he looks good in blue. lets take him, at least for a third of a season.

i'm already looking a few months into the future, because this division is ours. the tigers never had the division in the first place before or after acquiring miggy cabs and their payroll never seemed sustainable. we've got that mix of youth, wisdom and unbridled talent that won the red sox those world series the past few years. with all our incestuous give and take with the red sox we always joked that we wanted to be them. maybe this is the year it's for real.

Notes on last night's Laker win

1) Trevor Ariza will be the difference if the Lakers win an NBA Championship....Phil is finally comfortable playing Ariza in crunch time and had him in the starting lineup last night. Ariza can match up with the likes of Lebron, Paul Pierce, Artest, and Josh Howard keeping Kobe out of foul trouble and Luke Walton on the bench. His athleticism and length make him an incredibly effective defender, not to mention the dude can score.

2) Shannon Brown is pretty decent. Last night was the first time I've really been exposed to his game and the dude can ball. He's an athletic point guard who can shoot the three and jump through the roof. DFish is older and slower so who knows, maybe SB will be the guy to match up against the young PGs in the West if Fish gets in foul trouble or breaks a hip.

3) Bynum looks really good. Putting up 17 and 6 in his first night back and dunking effortlessly on his bum knee; very, very good signs.

4) I feel bad for Josh Powell. This dude is gonna have a place in the league for a long time. He's got a solid mid range jumper and he can rebound. With Bynum coming back his minutes are gonna go down, but I think of him as Ronny Turiaf without the silliness. Give the dude more than 2 minutes Phil, we've already got the 1 seed.

5) Chauncy Billups is the man. Love his game.

My Favorite Picture

The good ol' days....


I love the Giant Tomato and his badonkadonk

Some thoughts in the wake of Canseco being a douchebag

Recently Jose Canseco called out my boy Manram. He suggested that the reason he didn't get a long term contract was because teams knew that he was on the list of players who had failed a drug test in 2002. That dude really needs to shut up. So what if Manbone was on the juice, who cares? Steroids in baseball are like fake titties in porn and Canseco is your girlfriend who keeps pointing out that every porn star's boobs are fake. Watching baseball without steroids is like watching a Michael Bay movie without CGI or a Phish concert sober. Steroids make everything about watching baseball better. And people need to realize that everyone took them....and then get over it. In fact steroids saved baseball. Following the strike in 1994 baseball's popularity was at seeeerious low. In 1998 two dudes juiced out of their domes saved baseball. The home run race in 1998 between Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire recaptured the magic that baseball had lost. Baseball was reborn. The World Series' with the highest television ratings in the last 2 decades were all during the heart of the steroid era in 1995, 1996 and 1999. In 2008 it had a rating of 8.4 nearly 10 points down from the mid 90s. Ignorance is bliss so come come on mlb ballers, keep juicing. And Canseco, shut up please. And for all you baseball purists, I suggest you go watch little league.

Dodger Blue(s)?

Baseball season at last! After an incredibly anticlimactic end to the season last year, it's time to start anew! Russ is banging a new chick, Torre's got some new shades, Loney's got a new cross around his neck, Broxton is on a new diet, and Manny still doesn't give a shit about anything.

For the first time in a while baseball folks are jumping on the big blue bandwagon. I however, am a liiiiiiittle more skeptical. Not since Hideo Nomo was our ace and Sheffield and Greeny were the core of our lineup has our hitting been stronger than our pitching. Yet this is certainly the case this year. Our playoff hopes rest in the hands of a couple dudes who can barely drink (Kershaw, Billingsly. Broxton), two dudes who can't speak english (Kuroda, Kuo), some unproven dudes (McDonald, Wade, Troncoso) and some washed out dudes (Wolf, Mota). In a division with the likes of Lincecum, Peavy, and Webb that might not cut it.

On the bright side, our offense should be sorta good. We're still not a power hitting team but we've got a lot of speed and we're not going to strike out much. Let's not forget that we only have 1 player who has ever hit more than 25 home runs. That being said, I love the top of our lineup. If healthy, Furcal and Hudson will get on base and teams will have to throw to Manny. Look for Loney to have a breakout year in the 4 hole. Also look for a breakout year from Big Russ. I know, I know he's been in two all-star games but with Torre giving him more days off I think he's gonna put up his best numbers to date.

I'm gonna go ahead and say we go 88-74 and win the West. Once in the playofffs, anything is possible. The NL West gets a lot of shit, but the last 2 years we've been real solid in the playoffs (2007 NLCS was Rockies vs Diamondbacks and last year ours truly represented the NL West). Our division revolves around good pitching and thus the teams are built for the playoffs. That being said, we'll probably get swept in the first round by the wildcard Cardinals or Phillies. OH WELL!

Bynum's back!

After months of rehabilitation with playboy bunnies and pick up games at the local YMCA our favorite overgrown Tracey Morgan look alike is back! This is huge. The Lake Show has been showing signs of declining play, losing to the Hawks and Bobcats and squeeking by the Clippers and Bucks. Not only is Bynum another offensive and defensive weapon but I think his presence will re-ignite the team's competative fire. Watching the last couple games the squadron has looked a little sloppy and aloof. Bynum's return should serve as a catalyst for their re-invigoration. His return reminds us that the playoffs are right around the corner and that we're not the same group of softies we were last year. It's a kick in the ass for a team that seems to be simply running through the motions over the past month.

p.s. Pau Gasol looks like a baby eagle