Wahoooooobastank

First, let me begin by touching on a few non-Dodger tidbits.

A) We may have seen Ken Griffey Jr. for the last time and no one is talking about it. He single handedly made baseball relevant in one of baseball's best cities (Seattle), and was the face of the MLB for quite some time. He's the Willy Mays of our generation, and one of baseball's top 20 players ever.

B) Ron Gardenhire is the best manager in the MLB, and the Twins are the most over-looked and under-appreciated franchise in all of sports. Every year Gardenhire takes a different group of no-names and makes them playoff contenders. They lose Johan Santana, no problem. They lose Tori Hunter, no problem. They're probably gonna lose Joe Mauer to the Sox or Yanks, and I'm sure they'll bounce right back. The small market Twins have been overshadowed by the Moneyball A's, but have had just as much, if not more, success than them. I'm not sure who their GM is, but the dude should write a book and de-thrown Billy Beane as baseball guru to the outside world.

C) People have been on the Dodgers for ending the season playing mediocre ball but don't forget the Cards finished the season 2-8 in their final 10 games.

I digress......

With the NLDS looming tomorrow, no one seems to be talking about what I think might decide the series--the benches. I know, I know it seems like an afterthought, and quite frankly it would be if both of these teams didn't have impact players riding the pine. But every year there's a Matt Stairs, Dave Roberts, or Aaron Boone who changes the course of the series and this year it very well might come from the Cardinals or Dodgers.

Statistically, the Dodgers have the best bench in baseball. Juan Pierre is arguably the Dodgers' MVP this year after stepping up and playing out of his dome while Manny was preggers. Could he be what Dave Roberts was to the Red Sox in 2004? Perchance. We also have future Hall of Famer and playoff seasoned Jim Thome. He has 17 career post season home runs, but a .227 playoff average. Could he be our Matt Stairs? Why not. Lastly we have former Gold Glovers and current Jews Doug Mientkievicz and Brad Ausmus who both could see the field in the late innings.

The Cards will have either Rick Ankiel or Colby Rasmus (whomever doesn't start), Troy Glaus, and former Dodger greats Julio 'How the hell am I still in the league' Lugo and Joey 'Ballgame' Thurston. None of them are particularly scary on paper, but neither was Matt Stairs or Aaron Boone.

Off to watch the Twins game.

Holy Bandito!

[Editor's Note: Sean is maybe the biggest Dodgers fan I know. His dogs are all named Johnny Podres and his dad really wanted to name his sister Delino. He has a lot to offer Dodger nation. So here he is. Hope you enjoy.]

An insightful posting often commences with a flavorful quote by a world leader, a famed author, or a grungy rockstar.

Well, folks, I provide you with this, a pungent line uttered by none other than the sagacious Jose Lima: “LimaTime is halfway between a parakeet lost in a marijuana field and Margaritaville.” (Lima actually said this about himself, what a stud)

Now, I presume you’re asking yourself, why the hell are we talking about Lima Time? Well, the last time the Bums faced the Cardinals in the NLDS, it was 2004, and Jose Lima displayed his manly, genital-herpes driven talents by offering a memorable CG Shutout for the Bums victory. Sam and I sat in his beer-stained living room and emotionally connected with Jose as he forever changed our lives.

The connection between Lima Time and the 2009 Dodgers is striking. In 2004, it was Jose’s kookiness, wackiness, herpes, and emotion that fueled his success. Well, folks, this Dodgers team, to me, has a similar vibe.

Last night, I told Sam that I truly believed that we were going to beat the Cards. Not just my biased subjective feelings, but my honest gut feelings, those that originate deep in my inner cockles. I know the Bums have struggled of late, but I love our blend of veteranship, goofiness, innocence, and grit. This club exudes all that is Lima Time. And Kim Ng has two letters (no vowels) in her last name.

Between Joseph Torre, Bradley Ausmus, Juanathan Castro, and James Thome, our managerial staff is loaded, and Jason Repko is always available to run full speed into a wall (please note, Repko will not be on the active playoff roster).

Meanwhile, Raffy and Manny channel the energy of Fernando-Mania while Larry Bowa is a clear descendant of Lima Time. These two fine gentlemen, in my opinion, will serve as the X-factors (cliché, ugh) in the 2009 NLDS. The Cards produce a ton of ground-balls, thus creating a plethora of double-play oppurtunities. Further, Yadier Molina has the strongest cannon in the league (I’ve always wanted somebody to describe me as having the strongest cannon in something) and can snipe base-stealers with the best of ‘em. That being said, Raffy needs to get on base early and often and run the bases intelligently. Manny needs to elevate the ball and move runners over and in. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a number of Juan-For-Four Pierre cameos in this series, as his speed will be Wanted in this series like a bad bad man in the wild wild west.

Further, the lumberjack, Casey Blake, is our silent assassin, a man who I see chopping the legs out from under the Cards, perhaps with a late-inning bloop single in Game 2. While we are on the subject, how much would you be willing to bet that Casey Blake is direct relative of Robert E. Lee. I have a funny feeling about this, just take my word.

Our infield duo of Ronnie and the O-Dog is as solid as they come. I am uncertain as to who will start, although I’d give the nod to Orlando. Defense is of the foremost importance in the playoffs, and the O-Dog’s glove is bright gold. Ronnie can provide a nice spark off the bench, and a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Russell J. Coltrane Martin. It’s Go Time, buddy. Get your F*&^ing head out of you’re A$$ and play some bleepin’ baseball. Enough is enough. Be the leader you yearn to be. If you do, I promise Paris Hilton will sleep with you.

Matt Kemp, the future centerfielder for the NY Yankees when Steinbrenner throws a $200-million dollar contract at his face, is going to have Carlos Beltran-esque breakout in these playoffs. The man is primed for an explosion and his raw talent is unmatched in Major League Baseball. I love this man. I really do. I have even forgiven him for not giving me a baseball 2 summers ago during BP at a Bums/Rockies game in Denver. I forgive you Matt. I am sorry. Now please go hit 8 home runs. Thank you.

Andre, oh Andre. You are the spark that makes the roller-coaster in my heart run. You are the conductor of the Dodger magic. You hold the keys buster, now embrace that role. How do you have like 39 walk-off hits and then hit like .073 to end the season? Are you blogging about tacos too much and not watching film? Which Andre is going to show up for the NLDS? Look Andre, I know you were traded for Milton Bradley, thus creating massive shoes for you to fill, but move past this, man. You are an individual Andre, and a strikingly handsome one at that. Believe in your talent Andre, I know I do. Because if you continue to stink, Juan-For-Four will gladly hit triples in your honor.

As for the pitching…DREAMMMMM WEAVERRRRRRRRR! My dearest Dodgers buddies know that I have a soft spot in my rapidly-beating heart for Jeffrey. But this postseason belongs to a younger lad. I man whose attempt at a beard rivals Sam Brand circa 7th grade. A man whose left arm might eventually have a direct correlation to the solution for peace in Israel. Yes, I am talking about Matt Stafford’s best friend, Clayton Kershaw. Clayton, your performance on Saturday, in a must-win situation, brought tears to my eyes (and prompted my to buy a bottle of champagne at a dive bar to celebrate; it might have been the first bottle of champagne ever ordered at that place). Your stuff is nearing unhittable Mr. Kershaw, now go out there and deal. The Wolfman’s Brother, C-Bills, Garlandio, and Vincente Olmedo Padilla are there to support you pal (by throwing at Fat Albert’s head), so don’t hold back. Destiny awaits.

Between Broxilicious, Georgie the Mailman, Old McDonald Had a Farm, Jet Li Kuo, Ramon Martinez Troncoso, Baracuda Belisario, and Dreammmmm Weaverrrrrr, our bullpen is quite saucy, and not a huge concern of mine. If need be, Mark Loretta can always pitch a frame.

So there you have it Banditos of the Bums…Rally the troops. Break out the lucky jockstraps. Grow the moustaches. Feed the lucky cactus. It’s time to BOOGIE.

IT’S LIMA TIME!!!

Dodgers in 4.

NOT SURE IF YOU NOTICED

we made the playoffs. two years in a row. joe torre doesnt lose. really, he refuses. im not positive he sticks his fingers in personnel decisions at the minor minor league level, but hes there. looking over, dominating your overview with a mentality of success.

and thats in large part how we did it again. because we're from la, and we play against sd, and sf and the widespread beautiful sunflower seed state of kansas/colorado. we have no excuse. and torre was brought to us to manifest that destiny of statistical success.

we did it this year. we finished with the top team batting avg in the NL (.270). We finished with the top ERA of all major league teams (3.41). btw, wow. thats kinda a big deal. i feel like we've been on the verge of that for years, yet some other NL West teams sneaks in and takes the title.

The Dodgers kinda fucked shit up statistically after 162 games. Kemp only got 101 RBI, but Im having a hard time remembering when we had two players who kicked so much ass.

and we're not talking about the mound. or the legend who's just now picking up his game. i saw manny enthusiastically wave in a runner from third, eyebrows raised, eyes wide, hey i dont have any faith in myself. manny was lost, average, just somebody else in uniform, on the orioles, or who knows, an overpaid legend waiting for the guy on third to touch home on a passed ball. i saw it. game 160. unlike him. as were the 4 Ks he had that game. But word is he's hitting line drives to right field (bill simmons twitter says thats the first step towards busting out) . Sean says we gotta believe. So i'm gonna do that.

Wednesday night. welcome back to the playoffs.

I have a couple enduring memories of the playoffs. One of them involves Jose Lima, herpes (not mine), the Cardinals, and skipping class, watching the game and getting my CompLit grade reduced by a third for not showing up. I guess it was worth it. I'm making millions now. OK, not true. But who cares. lets just get into the second round and then talk about whatever's beyond.

Yowahs

1) Just watched Chicago get axed in the first round of the Olympic committee's voting. Way to go Oprah and Mr. Prez-- crushing my dreams of smooching Nastia Lukin. Oh well, on to bigger and bluer things.

2) Biggest series of the year starts tonight. How awesome would a sweep be? Just saying. How not awesome would getting swept be? Just saying. We're 12-3 on the year against the Rockies, but the Rocks are gelling and we're playing like the Isatopes. We'll send Wolf to the mound tonight--essentially cementing his spot as our #1 in the playoff rotation--Kershaw tomorrow, and Kuroda or Billingsly in game three. For me, this series is a HUGE indicator of how we're going to to fare in the playoffs and who's gonna pitch in the playoffs. Chavez Ravine is gonna be crazy, both teams are gonna be hyped, and Jim Tracy and Joe Torre both might even get off the bench DURING the game.

Gosh Darn Zaragoza

OK, Dave. I really wanted to write about the Dodgers. its a special time for them and the people deserve it. but i just can't compete with your knowledge. So i'm gonna write about some tacos. Close enough, no?

Zaragoza. It's a city in Spain and a shitty Mexican deli in the East Village. I don't know which serves better tacos, but I'm gonna guess the deli since Spain doesn't really do tacos. So fuck Spain. (love ur art and ur women, but sry, this time.)

This is pretty much the only place in NYC that I will watch a dude zap my food in a microwave and not give a shit. Try that at an authentic ramen joint or a burger joint and i will seriously leave and throw feces at you. It's happened before.

But Zaragoza. this little gem on Ave. A and 13 St. This place serves GOAT tacos. for real yo. El Cabrito in Acapulco has a flaming goat on a spit in the lobby, and that shits good too. But Zaragoza is just like eat my goat tacos. They're seriously delicious. Ask Jonny.

They also have carne asada and chicken and, if you're smart you'll order the pork (maybe that's all you'll order, if you're smart), and you can sit back with a 24 oz. Dos Equis, wait for the cashier/waiter to forget your rice and beans, and just love that you're not spending $60 at Mercadito across the street. This place will fill you up and if you're not a pussy you won't shit yourself.

This place really is good. And it's a mexican market. If I knew how to cook the real authentic shit like goat goat goat and chile relleno (filled with squid), i would prob buy my spices here. But I'm white as shit and i like cooking pasta and ramen and quesadillas. So i'll just come here for the tacos when i feel a lil crazy. I very often do.

C'mon Bros

With all this jibber jabber about our inconsistent and unreliable rotation, the media is failing to address the real concern for the Dodgers if we hope to make a playoff run: our hitting. Sure on paper we look like an offensive juggernaut--highest batting avg. in the majors, most runs in the National Leage-- but Ethier has just one hit in his last 27 at bats, Manny is hitting like boy-band Manny, and the Dogs have averaged around 3 runs facing Washington, Pittsburgh and San Diego scrubs. 

Let's face it, come playoff time the season statistics and records really don't matter. It comes down to who's the hottest team. Last year the Phillies entered the playoffs after an 11-3 stretch. In 2007, the Rockies cruised to the World Series riding their 20 something game regular season winning streak. It's because of this that  we see Wild Card teams go on a "miraculous" runs to the world series (Tampa Bay Rays, Rockies, Florida Marlins, 2004 Red Sox). These teams are generally fighting to get into the playoffs up to the last game of the season and are on top of their game when they finally get there. 

Furthermore and henceforth, in order for the Dodgers to make a run deep into October we really need Ethier, Manny and crew to pick up their game BEFORE we get to the playoffs. Torre should not rest these guys. Get our starters--specifically Ethier, Manny and Russ--as many at-bats as possible. Our pitching staff, Billingsly included, has been kicking ass as of late and I would bet my bottom dollar they'll be excellent in the playoffs. Our offense will be the difference between a first round ousting or a run to the series. 

Jason, Jason, Jason

Hello friends, it's been a while.

I just came across this article by Jason Stark. To summarize it briefly, Stark ranks potential postseason rotations from best to worst, one through nine. Ahead of the Dodgers are: the Red Sox, Cardinals, Phillies, Yankees, Angels, Tigers and Rockies. I understand putting the Sox, Cards, and even the and Yankees ahead of us, but this is downright ignaaaant.

The Dogs have had the best ERA in the bigs virtually all year, and their starters have the best combined ERA of any of these nine teams. Homie should stop worrying about the order, and start considering the rotation as a whole. Personally, I would feel more comfortable pitching Billingsly (who Stark doesn't even have etched in the rotation) in a must win over Joel Pinero, Scott Kazmir, Rick Porcello, Joe Blanton and Jason Marquis--all players who Stark has at the 3 for teams ranked above the Dodgers. Give me any of our 5--I'm assuming Garland will be in the pen despite his playoff experience-- over Nate Robertson, Pedro, Ervin Santana, Chad Gaudin, or Kyle Lohse.

Our rotation's potentially scary, and even if Bills and Kershaw don't regain their first-half form, we have very good starters waiting in the pen. Garland has a 1.91 ERA since joining the Dogs, and a 2.25 career playoff ERA, Padilla hasn't lost as a dodger, has gone 5+ innings in every start and knows the Phillies after playing for them from 2001-2005, and Billingsly is an all-star innings eater who, when on his game, is a top 10 pitcher in the bigs. Pretty solid "fall backs" if you ask me.

Personally, I think we'll wind up with a four man rotation of Wolf, Kershaw, Kuroda, and Bills. Having all these arms will only help. When the Phils throw Cliff Lee at us on 3-days rest we'll counter with a fully rested Wolf or Kershaw. The more quality arms the better as far as I'm concerned.

Look for Bills to bring his A-game tonight at San Diego. If his A-game isn't good enough for the W, then maybe he's not ready for the playoff rotation.

Kobe Sits in the Unlimited Nachos Seats

Stud

30 home runs
98 RBI
6 walk-off hits
5 games up in the division

Hello Jim, Hello Jon

Scully announced just moments ago that the Dodgers have acquired over-the-hill slugger Jim Thome. A player to be announced will be shipped to the White Sox in return, tho probably not Ronnie Belliard, who hit a home run tonight and remains overwhelmingly unwanted by every team in the bigs. One day in the mid '90s Uncle Fun Richie and I caught the Indians at Yankee Stadium and Thome signed a ball for me. I have no idea where that ball is now, but Thome has occupied a special place in my heart ever since. He's sorta the Vin Baker of baseball for me, except instead of booze, Thome's drug of choice is HGH, and instead of Sam Cassell, Thome had Carlos Baerga. Really, there's no reason to dislike the move by the Dogs. We now own 8% of the 500 HR club, and 17% of the most protruding chins in baseball. The only down side is that we'll now have to move to the AL west to accommodate our venerable DH. Either that or make it to the World Series. I'll take the latter.

In other late-breaking news, we also obtained the rights to Jon Garland, again for a player to be named later. With his 1 World Series win added to our pen, we've now doubled our team total (Dream Weaver has 1). Be afraid MLB.

Observations - August 20 (Cubs Must Die)

Game 122 on WGN. The first game I've caught in full since Verizon accidentally killed my Wi-Fi when I switched up my plan a couple weeks ago. 3.5 games up in the division at the start of the game. We need a win.

- Tonight's intriguing duos: WGN announcers Bob Brenley and Len Kasper (who will be referred to in this post as Jeff Twardzik, for no real reason); Andre Ethier and Milton Bradley, Weaver vs. Gorzelanny

- Two warning track outs in the top of the first - somehow a 1,2,3 inning. Weaver is gonna make this an interesting one.

- Rafael Furcal - 6 stolen bases this year. If I remember correctly, Kenny Loften had 6 a game when he hit 40.

- Fukudome bibim bomb (I know, he's Japanese, not Korean. It sounds good, deal with it). Top of second. The Weaver feast begins?

- Old timer Cubs coach in the stands. Came up with the dodgers 40 years ago. Summer of '69. The players would listen to Vin Scully on the radio while in the dugout. The red headed godfather is a national treasure.

- 6oth year for Lasorda. 60th year for Scully. Brenley: The difference between the two: "Vin comes up with new stories every once in a while."

- Lasorda's only milestone as a player according to Baseball Reference? His 7 wild pitches in 1956 gave him the third most in the AL.

- Charlie Haeger and Jeff Weaver are in our starting rotation with 40 games to go in the season. That's like 8 starts each. Shit?

- Things never before noticed until now about Dodger Stadium and the Dodgers: big, white moonbounce out beyond center; "Think Cure!" painted along the third base line; Russell Martin's jersey says "J. Martin."

- Brenley says one team in the NL has used its bullpen more than us. The Nationals.

- Player we miraculously don't have on the books: Alfonso Soriano.

- Weaver gets out of a bases loaded one-out jam in the 3rd with the luckiest back-to-back strikeouts i've ever seen. Low and away sliders to drunk Soriano followed by fingers-crossed juiceballs down the middle to Baker.

- Twardzik: Joe Torre has led his team to the playoffs in each of the last 13 years. If the Dodgers make it this year, he'll tie Bobby Cox for the record.

- Kings of Leon drummer in the stands. Probably thought BROnson Arroyo was on the mound tonight.

- Key Moment: 2-2, bottom 6, bases loaded, 1 out. Russell Martin at the plate vs. Angel Guzman after the intentional walk to Loney. I would've taken the deep sac fly. I'll take the grand slam, Russ' 4th(!) homer of the year.

- Aramis Ramirez. batting .324. Has 34 RBI. There's probably a logical explanation. Probably involves Alfonso Soriano.

- Troncoso is a member of the underrated beard club. Confederate general category.

- Twardzik: Manny swung at/made contact with every first pitch he's seen tonight.

- Shitty stat club tally:
Soriano: OBP = .300
Aramis Ramirez: RBI = 34
Rafael Furcal: SB = 4
Russell Martin: HR = 4

Great win. Dodgers at 72-50, maintain 3.5 game lead on the Rockies, 5.5 on the Giants.

Unripe Avocados

Tonight the Dodgers close their eyes and reach into the avocado bin against the Cardinals for the last time this season. If their luck is as poor as mine - and it has been vs. this clearly superior NL foe every season in recent memory - the Dogs will pull out a rock-hard and flavorless fruit. This is the way it is with avocados. When you need a ripe one, you won't find one. When you want one that will be ready in two days to round out your planned meal of a smoked gouda quesadilla & Newman's Own Lemonade, you'll only find avocados that want to be eaten right then and there.

Maybe it's not avocado season. Maybe it ended before the All-Star break. Maybe I should try one of those big Mexican variety avocados, you know, the ones with the pimply light green skin that you only see in grocery stores, though never in anyone's basket. Maybe I should try one of the varieties in this enlightening little chart. Maybe I'll just buy a pack of baby carrots. Most likely, I'll buy two unripe avos ($2.50 each), put them on my windowsill and forget about them until they grow little trees out of them. I guess that wouldn't be too bad.

Scully PWNS Swindle

I hopped into bed, flipped open my laptop and turned on mlb.tv just as the bottom of the 8th of last night's game began. Down 4-12, the Brewers put R.J. Swindle on the mound. A doughy looking fella who resembles something like Dave Matthews and Paula Poundstone's love child - A real comely ballplayer, as you can see. Swindle proceeded to get a major league shellacking. The type you would witness if your high school's varsity go-to middle reliever stepped on the mound to face legitimate major league ballplayers. That's what it looked like, and that's pretty much what it was. Mr. Swindle, Wikipedia tells us, "has five pitches, including a fastball, slider, change-up, cutter, and a 55 mph curveball." His "fastball," mind you, topped out at 80 mph. When Vin saw the man's curve, which clocked in at 53 and then 52 mph on the very generous Dodgers speed gun, he did everything except laugh in the dude's face.

“Wow, 52 mph! I think that’s the slowest pitch I’ve ever seen on the gun here at Dodger Stadium. I tell you what… if you strike out on that pitch, you really got Swindled!” [via Stop Making Sense]

Vin then went on to make some comment about how bad the Brewers bullpen and pitching prospects must be for Swindle to make the major league squad. It might have been the most pejorative thing I've ever heard Mr. Scully say.

Still, a couple Dodgers did strike out at Swindle's hand (Castro, Furcal), but when the inning was done the Dodgers had thrown 5 more runs on the board. Guillermo even put up an RBI bloop single. Swindle now has an ERA of 16.20. He has not thrown a scoreless inning this year. Seriously. Here's to hoping we see him on the mound tonight.

All-Fatty Team

In light of the signing of George Sherrill and Prince Fielder declaring war on the Dodgers, I've decided to put together a team like no other, a team of the biggest fatties in the MLB. Shockingly, this team would probably compete with, and beat, most squads in the Bigs, and truth be told, they probably all have faster 40 times than anyone reading this blog.
SP: CC "Chicken Cutlets" Sabathia

CP: Eddie "Everyday I eat Steak" Guardado

C: Benji "The Fat One" Molina

1B: "Burger Prince" Fielder

2b: Ron "Chicken Grease" Beliard

SS: Christian "Uhhhh" Guzman

3B: Pablo "The New Giant Tomato" Sandoval

LF: Adam "The Donkey" Dunn

CF: Andrew "I'm Jonesing for a Burger" Jones

RF: Bobby "I Might Be Fat" Abreu

DH: David "Big Papa Johns" Ortiz

Prince Fattie Storms the Clubhouse

If you haven't heard, things got preeeety chippy after the Dogs beat the snot out of the Brewers 17-4 last night. In retaliation for an errant pitch that grazed Manny Ramirez in the 7th, Guillermo Mota sent Prince Fielder to the ground with a 94 mph fastball to the thigh. But wait! There's more! After the game, in an attempt to get at Mota (or, more realistically, because he heard about the delicious Dodger post-game spread of sandwiches and pizza) Fielder tried to break into the Dodgers locker room. Ultimately, he was held back by a dozen teammates and a couple security guards, preventing anything truly awesome from happening.

Tonight, in the final game of the season against the Brew Crew, the Dogs will send Schmidty to the mound. 5 or 6 years ago this would be the perfect dude to have on the bump in a game that is sure to get chippy. His menacing mid-90s fastball was not something to mess with. However, I highly doubt that any of the Brewers are shaking at the knees for fear of getting hit by his lazy 85 mph heater. Unfortunately, the Dogs will probably be the ones waking up on Thursday with giant welts on their backs and arms. Hopefully they'll also be the ones waking up with the win.