Winners and Losers in wake of Lebron's decision

Ok, clearly we knew nothing about Lebron. We, as sports fans, all wanted him to think like we thought. To care about what we care about. To appreciate what we appreciate.

Last night we found out the hard way, he doesn't. And you know what? As wrong as I think his decision is, I can't blame him. He's doing what he wants to do. That's the only explanation. He really, really, really, really, really, really wanted to go to Miami. He cared about going to South Beach more than he cared about the consequences of his decision. That's it. He knew people would call him a coward. He knew people would say his legacy is tarnished. He knew Cleveland would burn his jerseys. He must've. As my bro wisely put it, he just wants to kick it with his homies.

Oh well, here are the winners and losers in the wake of his decision.....

WINNERS:

Dwayne Wade: Lebron. Christopher. You just got played by D-Wade. Hard. Dwayne will go down in history as the guy that Lebron and Bosh followed to Miami. If his legacy as Miami's greatest basketball hero wasn't already cemented, it is now. Wade will ALWAYS be first let in the club, then Lebron, then maybe Bosh if they're not partying with Alonzo Mourning or Tim Hardaway.

Derrick Rose: Maybe it's just me, but listening to him talk, I don't think he actually wanted Lebron to come to Chicago. He's the undisputable cornerstone of the team that will challenge the Heat for years to come. He may be a year or two away from being one of the top 5 talents in the NBA, but he'll get there, and he won't be in Lebron's shadow.

Colt McCoy: You're the new face of/only hope for Cleveland sports and you haven't seen a down of football.

Kobe: Last night the Black Mamba became the White Knight. He's the most honorable and loyal figure in the NBA, and the only hope to slay the 3-headed dragon. He is now the favorite to win the MVP next year, and if he beats the Heat (that's a big if), his spot among the NBA's top 5 players of all time is cemented at the age of 32.

The NBA: All leagues are better with a "Superteam." People finally have a reason to follow the NBA's regular season.

LOSERS:

Winter: Everyone hates you, even Mr. Ohio.

Chris Bosh: Congrats, you're Horace Grant! You are no longer an All-Star, you're Wade and Lebron's lap dog. Today (July 9, 2010) marks the day you became an afterthought in the collective minds of every NBA fan. I hope you really, really, really like winning basketball games.

Nike: Lebron's brand is diluted. All things Lebron are now all things Miami Heat. No more puppet commercials. No more 'Witness' campaign.

Cleveland/Ohio: Here's a scenario. Carmelo, Yao, and Tony Parker take less money to team up on the Cavs next year. A noble gesture to combat the evil guys in Florida and restore hope to a broken city....In reality, it's back to ground zero. The Browns are now the best team in the state.

CAA Sports Agency: Employed by all three of the Heat dudes. Less money for Wade, Bron, and Bosh, means less money for CAA.

Lebron James, Sarah Palin or Joan of Arc

With every sports journalist in the country citing their "sources," --it's easy to break the news when you claim stake to every possible scenario, Chris Broussard -- claiming to know where King James is headed. I figured I, as a sports fan, should get my two cents in.

Let me begin by saying "The Decision" is the most self-indulgent, egomaniacal move I've ever seen in sports. I have no idea how/why his PR people think this is a good idea. The fact that he has given no indication of what he's thinking/who he is considering will make his decision unforgivable in Cleveland (assuming he doesn't sign with the Cavs) and substantially more painful for the other cities he doesn't choose. And to do it all on national television, wow. He's a d-bag no matter where he chooses to go.

Lebron can do the right thing for the NBA, and more importantly for himself, or he can do the wrong thing. To me, and to every other pseudo-objective observer, the choice is clear. Stay in Cleveland.

Considering the manner in which he's handled his free agency, it is the only way to salvage his legacy, reputation, and his Lebronism. Let's examine why, by reviewing all possible scenarios (excluding Cleveland) in order of probability!!!!

New York: Ok. I get it. New York is the greatest city to live in when you're rich. By far. The idea of him in D'Antoni's run-and-gun is sexy. He's the best open court player in the league by far. Maybe ever. Not to mention a renewed Heat/Knicks rivalry would be pretty sweet. It'd be fun to watch, but if he thinks this is going to help the Lebron brand, he's very, very wrong.

Lebron thinks he's going to be Jeter. He's not. He's going to be A-rod. If he signs with Knicks, and in turn stabs Cleveland and everyone outside of New York in the back/face, he INSTANTLY becomes the most polarizing sports figure in the world. He becomes the Sarah Palin of sports. By signing with the Knicks, King James will become the hero to few and the villain to many, many, many more. From a marketing and branding standpoint, Bron will ostracize the entire Midwest and just about everyone outside of New York.

Chicago: If Lebron is sincere about his desire to win championships, this is where he'll end up. With the development of Rose and Noah (assuming Jaokim's foot heals), and the addition of Boozer, the Bulls have some serious, serious fire power. If they can't sign Lebron, and instead use that money to add a Ray Allen-type and some depth, they're probably a better team than the new-look Heat and the Knicks with Lebron anyhow.

To put it in other terms, they don't need him. Lebron clearly wants to go to a team desperate for his services. The Bulls aren't. He won't be the savior of the franchise, he won't be the guy that brought the team their first championship in years, and if you've seen Derrick Rose, play you know he may not even be the guy who takes the last shot of the game.

Miami: He'll never be the face of this franchise. He's not going to take the back seat to Wade, the guy who brought Lebron and Bosh to Miami, for the next 5 years.

New Jersey: Everyone knows he doesn't want to go to New Jersey. The only reason he'd consider it is the opportunity to play for the Brooklyn Nets. If that's truly what he wants, he'll sign a 3-year deal similar to that offered by the Nuggets to Carmelo Anthony and re-evaluate in the summer of 2013 when they're in BK.

Clippers: No need to talk about these dudes, although, assuming he didn't blow out his knee or die of scarlet fever, it'd be fun to see Kobe and Lebron share a locker.

THE DAY AFTER THE HANGOVER

WE PARTY AGAIN

DEVASTATION

I have no words today. All i have is this.

5 Reasons to be Pessimistic

1) After watching these Phillies pull out an unlikely, dodger-esque, comeback with 2 outs, it's safe to say that they've got the playoff mojo.

2) Andre Ethier vs Lefties. Andre is gonna get a heavy dose of left handed pitching with Cliff Lee and Hamels going in games 1 and 2. On the season, Ethier batted .194 with 6 home runs and 25 RBIs in 165 at bats against Lefties. Dre was one of the catalysts against the Cards, batting .500 (6-for-12) and hitting 2 boombas. If the Philly lefties can bring him back to earth, the Dogs could be in trouble. 

3) The National League has had four NLCS rematches in its history, and only once has the team that lost the first time, won the second time around. Details can be found here. 

4) Cole Hamels loves pitching in LA. We all know about the playoffs last year, but in his only start in LA during the regular season, the girly man pitched a complete game shut out, striking out 5 and not walking a single batter. The San Diego native has a career ERA of 1.13 at Dodger Stadium, and has held the Dogs to an abysmal .182 average at the Ravine. 

5) Chase Utley also loves playing in LA. In 21 games, the former UCLA standout has hit .354 with 5 bombs, 15 RBIs, and 19 runs at the Chavez Ravine. 

5 Reasons to be Optimistic

Just saw an interesting poll on ESPN where 30% of people WANTED to see the Angels win the world series (Yankees 27%, Dogs 25%, and Phillies 18%). I, for one, didn't realize anyone likes the Angels. Maybe this is the result of a bitter Red Sox nation, or maybe people want to see them do it for Adenhart. Either way, I was caught off guard a little by that stat. 

Also, 57% of Californians are more interested in the Yankees/Angels series than the Dogs/Phils...hmmmmm

As for the our upcoming Showdown, here are a 5 things that make me confident we can win this:

1) We only have to beat EITHER Hamels or Lee once. If we can sweep the back of their rotation-- a totally feasible scenario--we'd only have to win one other game. I'm assuming that both Lee and Hamels will pitch two games in the series.

2) We're not gonna get bullied around this year. Last year when things got chippy the Dogs stuck their tails between their legs. This year we have much more pitching depth, the toughest catcher in the majors, crazy Padilla, and a swagger we didn't have last year. 

3) James Loney and Jim Thome. Loney absolutely owned the Phils this year, hitting .393 with 2 bombs, 11 hits, and 17 total bases in 7 games. Add a potent JL to a lineup that is already gelling, and I smell upset. Also, I'm still convinced Thome's going to come up big at some point in the playoffs. 

4) George Sherrill and Hong Chih-Kuo. The best set up-man and situational left-hander in the majors. Kuo's career numbers against the Phillies: 8.1 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, 3 BB. 

5) Wolf/Kershaw in games one and two. The Phillies have scored half as many runs- and batted 30 points lower- against lefties. The crowd is gonna be amped up, Hamels just had a baby, and Cliff Lee is a nerd. If we can beat one of their two big guns in LA we're going to be in great shape. If we beat both, the series is over. 

5b) You know Bud Selig wants a Dodgers vs. Yankees World Series. Maybe we get a few calls?

5c) Hiroki Kuroda is back in the mix. Dude is typically lights out against the Phillies. Career stats: 3 G, 19 innings, 17 Ks, 5BB, 0.95 ERA

5d) Vin Scully

5f) Lidge vs Manny in the ninth. Lidge poops his pants, and Manny hits a bomb. 

Bums vs. Phils: Tale of The Tape

Ok my wondrous bunch of Dodger enthusiasts, let's embark on our journey toward the Bronx to face the mighty (over-paid and flaccid) Yankees.

Next Stop: PHILLY!

Let's break this one down, position-by-position, including several intangibles, and see who has the advantage in this series (or at least as I see it).

CATCHER: Russ J. C. R. T. Q. Martin vs. Carlos Ruiz.

Winner: MARTIN – This one is a no-brainer. While Ruiz is an excellent catcher with an above-average arm and the ability to get on base, Russ is simply the best game-manager in MLB. Even the great Greg Maddux declared his unflinching love for the kid. Russ has taken a young, sporadic, inexperienced staff (Wolf has one career playoff start), and led them to the lowest team-ERA in the league. Russ is incredible defensively, a leader in the clubhouse, and is still REALLLLLYYYYYY due for massive hit.

1B: James Loney vs. Ryan Howard

Winner: HOWARD – Loney is a gold-glover with a nice consistent bat but this one was easy as well. Howard is a premier game-changer, with unmatched power. Howard is always a threat and has the strength to hit the ball out of the park in any direction.

2B: O-Dog/Ronnie vs. Utley

Winner: UTLEY – As much as I despise this guido, slick-rick d-bag, utley is perhaps the league's best 2Bman. The dude can straight rake and has a dependable glove as well. As for Dodgers, our all-star 2Bman, the O-dog, is now benched, so, yeah, this one goes to Philly as well.

3B: Lumberjack vs. Feliz

Winner: CASEY AT BAT – The Lumberjack gets the nod here by a long-shot. Casey is the silent assassin, the bums’ clubhouse leader, and a calm presence on the field and at the plate. His smooth walk in Game 2 of the NLDS kept the game-winning rally alive and his glove work on the field has been rock-solid. Feliz is an ex-giant with a vulva the size of an apple. The Beard takes the cake here easily.

SS: Raffy vs. Rollins

Winner: RAFFY – I know what you’re thinking…. Wow! No Way! Well, YES WAY!! I take Raffy here simply based on current form. While Jimmy was the MLB MVP just a few seasons ago, his ability to get on base has regressed quicker than the popularity of Creed. Meanwhile, Raffy is playing out of his mind, literally getting on base 2-3 times/game. He has been the catalyst for this team since September 1 and matched with his arm, his switch-hitting ability, his potbelly, the fact that he is my favorite player, and Rollins’ season-long slump, I give the slight edge to the Dodgers here (am I just bitter that I had Rollins in fantasy baseball and he stunk, maybe, but I digress)

RF: Andre the TacoMan vs. JaYson Werth

Winner: WERTH – This is the tightest race and the closest matchup (and perhaps the most critical matchup) in the series. Both players had breakout seasons, with JaYson (what’s with the Y werth) making an all-star appearance. Both players bat early in the lineup and have had some very clutch hits throughout the season. Both have been hot recently as well. I gave Werth the nod because he is a much bigger threat on the basepath, with 20+ SBs this season, and has a slight edge in the field (great range and a devastating arm to gun out baserunners). While Werth has the edge here, i believe that the outcome of the series might hinge on whichever of these two young-guns makes more big plays (both at the plate and in the field)

CF: The Bison vs. Victorino

Winner: KEMP – this one was easy. Victorino is a solid ballplayer and the type of guy that all great teams need and have, but when push comes to shove, nobody has more raw talent in this league than matt kemp. I mean that. He needs to channel it, but the kid is basically still a basketball player and is already turning heads in this baseball league. He is Griffey-esque in CF with speed and power at the plate. Now he needs to hang with Manny and watch some film and get out of his 98-strikeout-in-a-row slump and show up and batter the phils in the NLCS.

LF: Manny Being Manny vs. Raul (I took just as much roids as Manny) Ibanez

Winner: MANNY – Really? I need to explain this one? A very nice season for Raul (although he stunk 2nd-half, like Manny) but this is a joke of a matchup. Manny is heating up and look for the big guy to play a key role for the Bums in this NLCS.

BENCH: Dodgers or Philles

Winner: DODGERS – The Bums are sporting what might be the most complete bench in playoff history. Hall-of-fame slugger Thome is always a threat and rocked the ill ski googles during the champagne celebration, Juan-For-Four has been excellent and is our speed man, Loretta is the NLDS magic-maker, Ausmus is the veteran presence, the O-dog is a an all-star and gold glover for defense, and Castro is serviceable and talks to Manny. As for the Phils, Bako? Stairs (ugh the HR last yr)? Francisco? Cairo? Bruntlett? Ok, you get the point… Bums all the way here.

BULLPEN (non-closers): Bums vs. Phillies

Winner: DODGERS, easy. MLB’s-best ERA matched with an epic performance in round 1 vs the Cardinals. Between my father’s crush Belisario, Kuo, Troncoso, Mota (celebration MVP), and Sherrill the Postman, there might not be a deeper set-up arsenal in the league. Match that with Garland, DREAM WEAVER (came up HUGE vs the redbirds), perhaps Kuroda/Bills as long-men if we need them, this category is all bums by a longshot. Phils have some nice arms in Park (remember him!), Eyre, Madsen, Romero, Myers, and Happ, but the Bums are in a different class here.

CLOSER: Brox the Ox vs. Brad (Pujols Dinger still flyin’) Lidge

Winner: BROXTON – not even close again. Yes, Lidge was absolutely lights out… LAST YEAR! Yes, Lidge did not blow a single save… LAST YEAR! This year, Lidge has been an absolute nightmare. He led the league in blown-saves, lost his job on several occasions, had very few games where he threw a clean inning, and basically had his confidence shattered time and time again. Meanwhile, Brox has been the ox that we say he is. If the only question mark here was inexperience, then Brox answered those calls with his massive outings against Fat Albert and Co. in the NLDS.

STARTING ROTATION: Wolfman / Kershawshank Redemption / Vincente the Axeman / Bills(?) vs. Lee / Hamels / Pedro / Blanton

Winner: PHILLIES – I waffled on this one for a bit, but I will explain myself. To begin, I love the Bums’ staff right now. The Phils are a lefty-loaded team and the dodgers will throw 2 lefties in wolf and kersh at them right out of the gate. I believe in wolf, especially after watching his postgame interview in STL, and I anticipate a solid start out of him. We all know that I have a massive man-crush on Kershaw and I still truly believe his left arm is the answer to world peace. This kid is electric and his facial hair is unexplainably patchy. Padilla was the Bums’ NLDS MVP, with a career-best outing, deservingly earning an NLCS start. I also believe Bills, if called upon, will step up to the rubber and dish (even though the Phils battered him last year). Another person to keep an eye on is Kuroda, whose sushi-therapy is going well and might return for the NLCS. But, all that said, I still give the nod to the Phils for two reasons: 1) experience, Hamels was the playoff mvp last year and we all know what pedro of the past has done in the playoffs. More recently, Lee has been untouchable. 2) history, just last season in the NLCS, the bums couldn’t even see the ball vs. hamels, and Blanton pitched very nicely against us as well. I think we have the arms and talent to keep up with the phils, and the bats to smack em around. Blanton kind of stinks, pedro is aging, hamels has not been himself, and lee must be tiring a bit after his long outings vs the rockies, but until the game is played, I give the slight edge to the phils

MANAGER: Torre vs. Manuel

Winner: TORRE – Ha. I watch A LOT of baseball… a lot of sports for that matter, and I have NEVER, I repeat NEVER (short of Coach James Bond in my Pee Wee A State Championship hockey game, leaving Reid and I out on the ice for the last 6 minutes of the game in our heroic victory) seen a Coaching Clinic quite like the one Torre put on in the NLDS. And remember, his opponent was hall-of-famer Tony (Mr. DUI) La Russa. Torre had all the right hunches, made all the right calls, and simply led the Bums straight through a scary bunch of cardinals. An epic display of baseball wisdom by Ole Torre. Philly’s Manuel is a wonderful manager and a winner as well, more recently than Joe, but who would you rather have than Torre guiding your team in October? Exactly.

HOMEFIELD: Chavez Ravine vs. Stinkadelphia

Winner: LOS ANGELES – Last year, the Dodgers went down a few games in Philly and this series was all but over. However, hard work and 95 wins puts the Bums at home with Grandpa Vin this year to start the series, and this is a notable and obvious advantage for the Dodgers.

INTANGIBLES: Dodgers vs. Phillies

Winner: DODGERS – Now this is a category that I would be remiss to pass over. Let’s think about what’s going on right now with the Bums, shall we, and breakdown why the Dodgers simply have the MOJO WORKIN: 1) Grandpa Vin announces this year that he is retiring after one more season (DO IT FOR VIN!); 2) even though the Bums won an NL-leading 95 games, we are underdogs repeatedly, and everyone loves to play as an underdog; 3) things that just don’t happen to dodgers are happening, like Ethier leading the league in walk-off hits, Loretta stepping up to ice the game after Holliday took it in the junk, Torre making correct, game-changing decisions (instead of Tracy’s and Grady Little’s awful shenanigans as dodger skippers), and players not blowing up and striking out after bad calls, but fighting through at-bats to get on base; 4) FUN! We are simply having fun! Did you see the videos of the celebration? These dudes LOVE one another, they love being Dodgers, and they play for the fans. They know that there is a lot of work to be done, trust me, torre and Lasorda will not let them forget that, but these dodgers have the “IT-FACTOR” that winning teams display; 5) Larry Bowa. C’mon, the most intense dude on the planet. As my little bro calls it, “FIRE IN THE EYES!” If he has to, I feel like Bowa would take an extra-inning at-bat, this guy is hungry, and so are the Dodgers. MOJO to the Bums!

So let’s tally up:

DODGERS: 11

Phillies: 4

Looks like the Tale of The Tape has spoken. Dodgers it is.

LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bums in 6.

VICENTE, WHO ARE YOU

Vicente Padilla hails from Chinandega, Nicaragua.

The region around Chinandega produces mostly agricultural products, particularly oils, flour, peanuts, shrimp, sugarcane, with sugar mills in Chichigalpa and El Viejo - wikipedia

he was the closer for the bronze medal-winning Nicaraguan national team during the 1998 baseball world cup.

On July 22, 2009, Padilla tested positive for Swine Flu, and was believed to be the first major U.S. athlete to catch the disease - wikipedia

he made the all star team in 2002. this is Vicente's tenth season in the majors. career record of 98-85. career ERA 4.33.

all of this is irrelevant. except the part about swine flu.

10 Observations from Game 1

Let me begin by saying YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WE CAN!!!!!!! HUGE WIN!!! Real deal baby. 

1) Any questions about Joe Torre's ability to handle a pitching staff/bullpen in the playoffs are just silly. Torre is omniscient, and he's a baseball God. 

2) Russell Martin's knack for making the right pitch selection is grossly underrated. I'm thinking specifically about the Glaus, Pujols and Holliday at bats.  He is a huge reason our pitching has had so much success this year. Kudos to Colleti for not trading him during the Halladay hoopla. 

3) Troy Glaus' swing, which was once the prettiest of any right hander in the bigs,  is not what it used to be. If they weren't playing the Dodgers this would make me sad. 

4) I wonder if basketball players would spit as much as baseball players if they played outdoors. 

5) Those Schwab commercials are not, and never were, cool. 

6) Busch Light is  the worst beer in the world. 

7) Casey Blake and Raffy Furcal= keys to Dodger success. They're both going to see good pitches throughout the playoffs. If they're hitting like they did tonight, we're in great shape. 

8) The Cardinals have more barbarosas (red beards) in their bullpen than any team I've ever seen. 

9) Don Mattingly deserves a Managerial job. Here's to hoping he takes the reigns after Torre calls it quits--the Dodgers should hang on to him. 

10) Orlando Hudson is a true professional and I love him. 

10a) What is Molina kissing on his necklace?

10b) Maybe I'm not supposed to say anything good about the Cards, but Brendan Ryan's disgustache is the finest I've ever seen, and I have the upmost respect for him. That is what baseball players should look like. 

OTHER LEGEND

LEGEND

Wahoooooobastank

First, let me begin by touching on a few non-Dodger tidbits.

A) We may have seen Ken Griffey Jr. for the last time and no one is talking about it. He single handedly made baseball relevant in one of baseball's best cities (Seattle), and was the face of the MLB for quite some time. He's the Willy Mays of our generation, and one of baseball's top 20 players ever.

B) Ron Gardenhire is the best manager in the MLB, and the Twins are the most over-looked and under-appreciated franchise in all of sports. Every year Gardenhire takes a different group of no-names and makes them playoff contenders. They lose Johan Santana, no problem. They lose Tori Hunter, no problem. They're probably gonna lose Joe Mauer to the Sox or Yanks, and I'm sure they'll bounce right back. The small market Twins have been overshadowed by the Moneyball A's, but have had just as much, if not more, success than them. I'm not sure who their GM is, but the dude should write a book and de-thrown Billy Beane as baseball guru to the outside world.

C) People have been on the Dodgers for ending the season playing mediocre ball but don't forget the Cards finished the season 2-8 in their final 10 games.

I digress......

With the NLDS looming tomorrow, no one seems to be talking about what I think might decide the series--the benches. I know, I know it seems like an afterthought, and quite frankly it would be if both of these teams didn't have impact players riding the pine. But every year there's a Matt Stairs, Dave Roberts, or Aaron Boone who changes the course of the series and this year it very well might come from the Cardinals or Dodgers.

Statistically, the Dodgers have the best bench in baseball. Juan Pierre is arguably the Dodgers' MVP this year after stepping up and playing out of his dome while Manny was preggers. Could he be what Dave Roberts was to the Red Sox in 2004? Perchance. We also have future Hall of Famer and playoff seasoned Jim Thome. He has 17 career post season home runs, but a .227 playoff average. Could he be our Matt Stairs? Why not. Lastly we have former Gold Glovers and current Jews Doug Mientkievicz and Brad Ausmus who both could see the field in the late innings.

The Cards will have either Rick Ankiel or Colby Rasmus (whomever doesn't start), Troy Glaus, and former Dodger greats Julio 'How the hell am I still in the league' Lugo and Joey 'Ballgame' Thurston. None of them are particularly scary on paper, but neither was Matt Stairs or Aaron Boone.

Off to watch the Twins game.

Holy Bandito!

[Editor's Note: Sean is maybe the biggest Dodgers fan I know. His dogs are all named Johnny Podres and his dad really wanted to name his sister Delino. He has a lot to offer Dodger nation. So here he is. Hope you enjoy.]

An insightful posting often commences with a flavorful quote by a world leader, a famed author, or a grungy rockstar.

Well, folks, I provide you with this, a pungent line uttered by none other than the sagacious Jose Lima: “LimaTime is halfway between a parakeet lost in a marijuana field and Margaritaville.” (Lima actually said this about himself, what a stud)

Now, I presume you’re asking yourself, why the hell are we talking about Lima Time? Well, the last time the Bums faced the Cardinals in the NLDS, it was 2004, and Jose Lima displayed his manly, genital-herpes driven talents by offering a memorable CG Shutout for the Bums victory. Sam and I sat in his beer-stained living room and emotionally connected with Jose as he forever changed our lives.

The connection between Lima Time and the 2009 Dodgers is striking. In 2004, it was Jose’s kookiness, wackiness, herpes, and emotion that fueled his success. Well, folks, this Dodgers team, to me, has a similar vibe.

Last night, I told Sam that I truly believed that we were going to beat the Cards. Not just my biased subjective feelings, but my honest gut feelings, those that originate deep in my inner cockles. I know the Bums have struggled of late, but I love our blend of veteranship, goofiness, innocence, and grit. This club exudes all that is Lima Time. And Kim Ng has two letters (no vowels) in her last name.

Between Joseph Torre, Bradley Ausmus, Juanathan Castro, and James Thome, our managerial staff is loaded, and Jason Repko is always available to run full speed into a wall (please note, Repko will not be on the active playoff roster).

Meanwhile, Raffy and Manny channel the energy of Fernando-Mania while Larry Bowa is a clear descendant of Lima Time. These two fine gentlemen, in my opinion, will serve as the X-factors (cliché, ugh) in the 2009 NLDS. The Cards produce a ton of ground-balls, thus creating a plethora of double-play oppurtunities. Further, Yadier Molina has the strongest cannon in the league (I’ve always wanted somebody to describe me as having the strongest cannon in something) and can snipe base-stealers with the best of ‘em. That being said, Raffy needs to get on base early and often and run the bases intelligently. Manny needs to elevate the ball and move runners over and in. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a number of Juan-For-Four Pierre cameos in this series, as his speed will be Wanted in this series like a bad bad man in the wild wild west.

Further, the lumberjack, Casey Blake, is our silent assassin, a man who I see chopping the legs out from under the Cards, perhaps with a late-inning bloop single in Game 2. While we are on the subject, how much would you be willing to bet that Casey Blake is direct relative of Robert E. Lee. I have a funny feeling about this, just take my word.

Our infield duo of Ronnie and the O-Dog is as solid as they come. I am uncertain as to who will start, although I’d give the nod to Orlando. Defense is of the foremost importance in the playoffs, and the O-Dog’s glove is bright gold. Ronnie can provide a nice spark off the bench, and a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Russell J. Coltrane Martin. It’s Go Time, buddy. Get your F*&^ing head out of you’re A$$ and play some bleepin’ baseball. Enough is enough. Be the leader you yearn to be. If you do, I promise Paris Hilton will sleep with you.

Matt Kemp, the future centerfielder for the NY Yankees when Steinbrenner throws a $200-million dollar contract at his face, is going to have Carlos Beltran-esque breakout in these playoffs. The man is primed for an explosion and his raw talent is unmatched in Major League Baseball. I love this man. I really do. I have even forgiven him for not giving me a baseball 2 summers ago during BP at a Bums/Rockies game in Denver. I forgive you Matt. I am sorry. Now please go hit 8 home runs. Thank you.

Andre, oh Andre. You are the spark that makes the roller-coaster in my heart run. You are the conductor of the Dodger magic. You hold the keys buster, now embrace that role. How do you have like 39 walk-off hits and then hit like .073 to end the season? Are you blogging about tacos too much and not watching film? Which Andre is going to show up for the NLDS? Look Andre, I know you were traded for Milton Bradley, thus creating massive shoes for you to fill, but move past this, man. You are an individual Andre, and a strikingly handsome one at that. Believe in your talent Andre, I know I do. Because if you continue to stink, Juan-For-Four will gladly hit triples in your honor.

As for the pitching…DREAMMMMM WEAVERRRRRRRRR! My dearest Dodgers buddies know that I have a soft spot in my rapidly-beating heart for Jeffrey. But this postseason belongs to a younger lad. I man whose attempt at a beard rivals Sam Brand circa 7th grade. A man whose left arm might eventually have a direct correlation to the solution for peace in Israel. Yes, I am talking about Matt Stafford’s best friend, Clayton Kershaw. Clayton, your performance on Saturday, in a must-win situation, brought tears to my eyes (and prompted my to buy a bottle of champagne at a dive bar to celebrate; it might have been the first bottle of champagne ever ordered at that place). Your stuff is nearing unhittable Mr. Kershaw, now go out there and deal. The Wolfman’s Brother, C-Bills, Garlandio, and Vincente Olmedo Padilla are there to support you pal (by throwing at Fat Albert’s head), so don’t hold back. Destiny awaits.

Between Broxilicious, Georgie the Mailman, Old McDonald Had a Farm, Jet Li Kuo, Ramon Martinez Troncoso, Baracuda Belisario, and Dreammmmm Weaverrrrrr, our bullpen is quite saucy, and not a huge concern of mine. If need be, Mark Loretta can always pitch a frame.

So there you have it Banditos of the Bums…Rally the troops. Break out the lucky jockstraps. Grow the moustaches. Feed the lucky cactus. It’s time to BOOGIE.

IT’S LIMA TIME!!!

Dodgers in 4.

NOT SURE IF YOU NOTICED

we made the playoffs. two years in a row. joe torre doesnt lose. really, he refuses. im not positive he sticks his fingers in personnel decisions at the minor minor league level, but hes there. looking over, dominating your overview with a mentality of success.

and thats in large part how we did it again. because we're from la, and we play against sd, and sf and the widespread beautiful sunflower seed state of kansas/colorado. we have no excuse. and torre was brought to us to manifest that destiny of statistical success.

we did it this year. we finished with the top team batting avg in the NL (.270). We finished with the top ERA of all major league teams (3.41). btw, wow. thats kinda a big deal. i feel like we've been on the verge of that for years, yet some other NL West teams sneaks in and takes the title.

The Dodgers kinda fucked shit up statistically after 162 games. Kemp only got 101 RBI, but Im having a hard time remembering when we had two players who kicked so much ass.

and we're not talking about the mound. or the legend who's just now picking up his game. i saw manny enthusiastically wave in a runner from third, eyebrows raised, eyes wide, hey i dont have any faith in myself. manny was lost, average, just somebody else in uniform, on the orioles, or who knows, an overpaid legend waiting for the guy on third to touch home on a passed ball. i saw it. game 160. unlike him. as were the 4 Ks he had that game. But word is he's hitting line drives to right field (bill simmons twitter says thats the first step towards busting out) . Sean says we gotta believe. So i'm gonna do that.

Wednesday night. welcome back to the playoffs.

I have a couple enduring memories of the playoffs. One of them involves Jose Lima, herpes (not mine), the Cardinals, and skipping class, watching the game and getting my CompLit grade reduced by a third for not showing up. I guess it was worth it. I'm making millions now. OK, not true. But who cares. lets just get into the second round and then talk about whatever's beyond.

Yowahs

1) Just watched Chicago get axed in the first round of the Olympic committee's voting. Way to go Oprah and Mr. Prez-- crushing my dreams of smooching Nastia Lukin. Oh well, on to bigger and bluer things.

2) Biggest series of the year starts tonight. How awesome would a sweep be? Just saying. How not awesome would getting swept be? Just saying. We're 12-3 on the year against the Rockies, but the Rocks are gelling and we're playing like the Isatopes. We'll send Wolf to the mound tonight--essentially cementing his spot as our #1 in the playoff rotation--Kershaw tomorrow, and Kuroda or Billingsly in game three. For me, this series is a HUGE indicator of how we're going to to fare in the playoffs and who's gonna pitch in the playoffs. Chavez Ravine is gonna be crazy, both teams are gonna be hyped, and Jim Tracy and Joe Torre both might even get off the bench DURING the game.